There's nothing quite like fostering to bring out everything that is sinful about you and shove it to the forefront. I am learning SO much about myself. And let me tell you I am one selfish gal. I have been waiting for three months (closing quickly in on 3 1/2 months) for a placement. I have had 5 calls. Said yes to 4 and gotten 1 4 day placement. Today I found out that my agency placed a child in my age range with a different family that got certified at least a month after I did. And the tears haven't stopped since.
It is so frustrating to have been waiting for so long, be told you are at the front of the list, and then nothing. I'm sure there are many reasons this baby went where he or she did, but right now my heart is being selfish and wishing that this baby was at MY house. Isn't it funny how easy it is to spout off beliefs about God having a plan, and trusting Him until something that seems so unfair is thrown in your face? That is where I am right now. I am seeing the selfishness and oh my stars it is ugly.
This fostering adventure isn't supposed to be about me. It's not supposed to be about what I want or need. It is about serving where I feel called. And right now, I guess I'm not needed. I feel a little lost and am planning on setting up a meeting with my case worker to try and get a grip on what my expectations should be. I had felt like several people in the office had communicated with me that I was at the "top of the list," but maybe that doesn't mean what I thought it did.
The Lord is working hard on me right now. Calling on me to trust him and if I'm totally honest, I am failing miserably. This period of waiting has made much doubt come to the forefront. Am I really supposed to be doing this? Am I crazy? Did I hear God wrong? Now I'm having to work to keep from adding the self doubt of "Why didn't they call me? Do they not think I'm good enough?" to the mix.
So I guess I just need you to pray for me. That I will hold on to what I know is true. That I will be willing to take a step back and realize that even if I never get a placement, this journey has taught me so much about myself. And so much about where I need to grow. That I will leave this fostering journey up to the One who called me to walk it in the first place.
"But I trust in your unfailing love. My heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing unto the Lord for he has been good to me." Ps 13:5-6
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Remember
My brother wrote quite an eloquent post about this day here. He inspired me to think hard and remember that day 10 years ago.
10 years ago, I was in my first semester of college at HPU. I had 8am classes on most days and was sitting in Math for Elementary teachers taught by Mrs. Bird. I don't remember what we were learning about, but I know that someone came in and told her that a plane had hit the World Trade Center. We stopped and prayed. A girl asked permission to leave class, her mom was on a plane on her way to NYC that day. But once she left, with a hush of solemnity, class continued. Next I headed to Music for Children with Dr. Rosine. We learned a little more from people who were just getting to school. It wasn't one tower, it was both. And more and more trickled in. Finally at 10am, the school cancelled classes for the rest of the day.
I walked slowly back to my dorm room. There was a crowd of people gathered around the big TV in the Veda lobby. Watching the recap of the plane hitting the second tower. And the towers coming down. And my world stopped. I found my cell phone and started checking in with family. I wanted nothing more than to hear the voices of my dearest ones and know that they were ok. Talked to my sister. Talked to my brother. Couldn't get ahold of my parents for ANYTHING. They had taken an empty nest vacation up to Colorado and were out of cell phone range. I have never wanted to talk to my parents as much as I did that day.
Here I was, a month in to living on my own, and thrust into the biggest moment of history in my lifetime thus far. I was scared and nervous. And all I wanted was to hear my Dad say it was going to be ok. It was several days later before I heard their voices and even longer after that before I got the "Daddy Hug" my heart had been waiting for.
I remember having a prayer service at Mimms Auditorium and them sharing how students at the school had been directly effected by the crash. I remember a friend who's mom worked for American Airlines and how her world turned upside down and got insanely busy.
So I will remember and never forget. It's interesting how life brings up times of remembrance. On the morning after Osama BinLaden was killed, my 6th graders came in talking about it. I stopped that morning and shared with them my experience of September 11th. Much as I did here. They were silent as they listened to my story. Every. Single. Word. They wanted to hear about that day and why this man who died was important. (Doing the math, they were 2 or less in 2001). And I will always remember sitting on my stool in the front of my classroom and going back with them. They listened more intently that day than they did any day before or after. Because they got it. One day, in their lives, a day like September 11 will happen. And it will define their generation much like September 11 has defined mine. Life before and after will be drastically different. And I just hope and pray that they turn to the One who knows all. Is before all and is in all.
"He is before all things and in HIM all things hold together." Colossians 1:17
10 years ago, I was in my first semester of college at HPU. I had 8am classes on most days and was sitting in Math for Elementary teachers taught by Mrs. Bird. I don't remember what we were learning about, but I know that someone came in and told her that a plane had hit the World Trade Center. We stopped and prayed. A girl asked permission to leave class, her mom was on a plane on her way to NYC that day. But once she left, with a hush of solemnity, class continued. Next I headed to Music for Children with Dr. Rosine. We learned a little more from people who were just getting to school. It wasn't one tower, it was both. And more and more trickled in. Finally at 10am, the school cancelled classes for the rest of the day.
I walked slowly back to my dorm room. There was a crowd of people gathered around the big TV in the Veda lobby. Watching the recap of the plane hitting the second tower. And the towers coming down. And my world stopped. I found my cell phone and started checking in with family. I wanted nothing more than to hear the voices of my dearest ones and know that they were ok. Talked to my sister. Talked to my brother. Couldn't get ahold of my parents for ANYTHING. They had taken an empty nest vacation up to Colorado and were out of cell phone range. I have never wanted to talk to my parents as much as I did that day.
Here I was, a month in to living on my own, and thrust into the biggest moment of history in my lifetime thus far. I was scared and nervous. And all I wanted was to hear my Dad say it was going to be ok. It was several days later before I heard their voices and even longer after that before I got the "Daddy Hug" my heart had been waiting for.
I remember having a prayer service at Mimms Auditorium and them sharing how students at the school had been directly effected by the crash. I remember a friend who's mom worked for American Airlines and how her world turned upside down and got insanely busy.
So I will remember and never forget. It's interesting how life brings up times of remembrance. On the morning after Osama BinLaden was killed, my 6th graders came in talking about it. I stopped that morning and shared with them my experience of September 11th. Much as I did here. They were silent as they listened to my story. Every. Single. Word. They wanted to hear about that day and why this man who died was important. (Doing the math, they were 2 or less in 2001). And I will always remember sitting on my stool in the front of my classroom and going back with them. They listened more intently that day than they did any day before or after. Because they got it. One day, in their lives, a day like September 11 will happen. And it will define their generation much like September 11 has defined mine. Life before and after will be drastically different. And I just hope and pray that they turn to the One who knows all. Is before all and is in all.
"He is before all things and in HIM all things hold together." Colossians 1:17
Friday, September 9, 2011
Random Ramblings
~I have finished the first season of the O.C. and let me tell you, I am hooked. Thanks Val and Ez for introducing me to the hilarity that is Seth Cohen and Ryan Atwood.
~Said no to a placement call yesterday. Broke my heart to do so, but my head knew the situation and age were not a good fit for my house/life. Still waiting...
~We have new neighbors next door. They have a dog that likes to chew on rocks and they got really excited to talk to me about fostering. I'm excited to get to know them more.
~I'm reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts: I'm not far in but three words have been rolling around in my brain from the beginning: Grace. Thanksgiving. Joy. I'm excited to keep going.
~My Sunday School class starts up again this week. SO ready for this. I love my class of people much wiser than I am. (Most of them are my parents age.) I learn so much. And am better about staying on my schedule when I have to be somewhere at 9:30. Just wish I had a placement to tell them about.
~It's finally not over 100 degrees outside. It's amazing how NICE it feels when the high is only 92.
~I mailed back my last Netflix disc today. Switched to streaming only. I feel like it is the end of an era...
~Forgot my cell phone at home this morning. Felt like I was missing my arm, or some other important appendage. Came home for lunch to get it. Was sure I would miss something important. I didn't. Humbling.
In two weeks I will be here:
Doing this:
Counting the days!
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