Oh My Selfishness!

There's nothing quite like fostering to bring out everything that is sinful about you and shove it to the forefront. I am learning SO much about myself. And let me tell you I am one selfish gal. I have been waiting for three months (closing quickly in on 3 1/2 months) for a placement. I have had 5 calls. Said yes to 4 and gotten 1 4 day placement. Today I found out that my agency placed a child in my age range with a different family that got certified at least a month after I did. And the tears haven't stopped since.

It is so frustrating to have been waiting for so long, be told you are at the front of the list, and then nothing. I'm sure there are many reasons this baby went where he or she did, but right now my heart is being selfish and wishing that this baby was at MY house. Isn't it funny how easy it is to spout off beliefs about God having a plan, and trusting Him until something that seems so unfair is thrown in your face? That is where I am right now. I am seeing the selfishness and oh my stars it is ugly.

This fostering adventure isn't supposed to be about me. It's not supposed to be about what I want or need. It is about serving where I feel called. And right now, I guess I'm not needed. I feel a little lost and am planning on setting up a meeting with my case worker to try and get a grip on what my expectations should be. I had felt like several people in the office had communicated with me that I was at the "top of the list," but maybe that doesn't mean what I thought it did.

The Lord is working hard on me right now. Calling on me to trust him and if I'm totally honest, I am failing miserably. This period of waiting has made much doubt come to the forefront. Am I really supposed to be doing this? Am I crazy? Did I hear God wrong? Now I'm having to work to keep from adding the self doubt of "Why didn't they call me? Do they not think I'm good enough?" to the mix.

So I guess I just need you to pray for me. That I will hold on to what I know is true. That I will be willing to take a step back and realize that even if I never get a placement, this journey has taught me so much about myself. And so much about where I need to grow. That I will leave this fostering journey up to the One who called me to walk it in the first place.

"But I trust in your unfailing love. My heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing unto the Lord for he has been good to me." Ps 13:5-6