Corner Turned

I feel like I turned a corner Monday. First off, got a call about a placement. Said no. Another set of sisters, and two is definitely more than I can handle. One is pushing it some days, so I am still waiting. But there was something so hopeful about getting a call. The reminder that it could happen at any time. And that there are kids out there who desperately need a safe place to go. Some of the haze I felt like I had been living with seem to lift. Oh the power of a phone call.

Spent part of that night watching videos of #4 with the roommate. And I managed not to cry! Big day. She was so fun and funny toward the end. We have a lot of videos of her laughing and playing and they made me smile so much. Ready to have some more smiles and giggles around here. It's too quiet.

That phone call has kicked me into gear to get some things done around the house. There are some things that are just harder to do with a kid around, namely clean out my closet. It shares a wall with the baby room and so I never want to work on it while a kid is sleeping which is all of my available productive time when a kid is here. I think I've managed to get enough other things done that I MIGHT start on that tonight or tomorrow. Which will in turn lead to a huge Goodwill run. It's purge time y'all.

Still loving Holding onto Hope. I could blog daily about what I am reading. In fact, I'm almost done with the book part and am planning on re-reading the whole thing when I am done. It is that good. Coming from a girl who struggles to read non-fiction, that's about the highest praise you can get. I'm also working my way through Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman and doing my BSF daily for one of the first times ever. (Well, I've done two days when I was supposed to, but I have high hopes it will continue. :))

You know what the key was for me to get out of my funk and start doing what I knew would help - Dr. Pepper. You see I ran out of Dr. Pepper right after #4 left and avoided the grocery store for awhile. Once I had my caffeine to look forward to in the morning, it was so much easier for me to get up and do things. Still makes me shake my head a little, but I'm running with what works. (Got up at 10 today, but the DP while doing my Bible Study made it ok. Addicted much?)

I'll leave you with a couple of quotes from the Mystery chapter of Holding onto Hope:

Somehow I think that even if God listed all of the reasons he has allowed you to lose your loved one, develop the disease, or suffer the rejection, it still wouldn't seem worth it from your limited understanding and experience.

 and the follow up a couple of paragraphs later:

Like Job, we often cannot see the hidden purposes of God. Still, we can determine to be faithful and keep walking toward him in the darkness.

Our task is not to decipher exactly how all of life's pieces fit and what they all mean but to remain faithful and obedient to God, who knows all mysteries. That is the kind of faith that is pleasing to God - a faith that is determined to trust him when he has not answered all other questions, when we have not heard the voice from the whirlwind.

That is my goal in all of this - to have the kind of faith that trusts God when he hasn't answered my question of - for what purpose. For what purpose is this time of pain? For what purpose is this time of unemployment? Am I letting Him mold me to look more like Christ as I go through these days? I am excited to see what a beautiful picture it will be on the other side when He is done painting.

A week later

Another week has gone by and I still can't quite believe that it has been 2 weeks since #4 left. (As in I wrote that it was 3 weeks and had to look at a calendar to realize it's only been two.) In some ways I am doing so much better. I've only cried a couple of times this week. I'm not tired for the first time in 8 months. I am legitimately excited to see who #5 is going to be. I want my phone to ring with my agency calling me SO badly. In the meantime, I have learned a lot about myself over the last two weeks.

I thrive on structure. Rules, I love them. Responsibility, pile it on. My beaver, judging personality LOVES it. Right now I have NO structure in my life and I have discovered that I don't have the self discipline to force it upon myself. I have settled into a go to bed at 12 and get up at 10 routine, that I don't really enjoy, but don't have the strength to break myself out of without reason. I spend all day finding things to watch online. (I think I watched over 1/2 of the series Scrubs in the last three weeks.) I waste time and struggle with motivation. The funky sleep/wake schedule leads me to eat at funny times, which means I'm not eating as much and makes me worry that I am going to lose more weight that I don't have to lose at this point. (When life gets emotional, I don't get hungry. The fact I ate as much as I did right after #4 left was a gift straight from God.)

I avoid things that I'm afraid I will be bad at. I would rather not do something than fail at it. This makes finding a job difficult, I have not felt like I was "good" at a job since I left Pine Cove. Teaching was SO hard, and I did ok, but not great. And my last job I worked with amazing people, but it wasn't a good fit and I never felt like I was good at it. This fear of failure is attempting to paralyze me as I need to be looking for work.

Add to all of this - I'm still grieving. Crowds overwhelm me. (I'm introverted anyway, but this has taken me to a whole new level.) Having to repeat over and over again, no baby. My heart is broken. No job. Is. So. Hard. The adoption agency that did #4's adoption placement gave me a book about grieving that I have been slowly working my way through. (Holding onto Hope by Nancy Guthrie. It's amazing.). A section about worship says the following:

Even though they are so kind and caring, there is something inexplicably difficult about a crowd when you are grieving, isn't there? At times I've headed into the [church] building with completely conflicting feelings. Part of me can't stand the idea that perhaps no one will say anything about Hope, while another part of me dreads that so many people will say something to me about her.

Another section on tears says:

Even now I can't say I'm healed. Part of my heart is no longer mine. I gave it to Hope and she took it with her and I will forever feel that amputation. But embracing my grief means allowing it to do its work in me.

Speaking to my heart. I'm afraid people won't ask me about her. I'm afraid they will. A piece of my heart will always belong to this little girl, who thankfully is doing so well. I got my first update and, as I expected and prayed for, she has embraced her family whole-heartedly. Their journey to her was God-ordained and she fits and makes them a perfect family of 5. Random tidbit - I find it fun that she is the youngest of a family of 5, just like I am.

So there's the update a week later. Still resting in comfort from a God who sees every tear. Still crying out to him for guidance, wisdom, and strength. It's funny, you would think spending all this time waiting, it would become more comfortable. But it doesn't. Thankful for a God who sees and knows.