Sometimes it is hard to write out all that is going on. I am in the midst of a time of extreme blessing and extreme hardship. Ok extreme probably isn't the correct word, but seriously, it feels that way sometimes.
On March 12, a precious newborn little girl came to live at my house! My dream placement. Granted, I was nervous about working while not sleeping at night, but overall, I was OVERJOYED. Blessing y'all. Total blessing.
On March 14, I went to work expecting a normal day and was home by 10:30am, jobless. That's right. My employer needed to redirect my position, I wasn't a good fit, and therefore, I was let go. It was a mutual decision and probably best for me in the long run. However, there is nothing easy about losing one's job.
Blessing - I have gotten to stay at home and take care of this sweet baby girl for two weeks. It has been wonderful. Not to mention, getting up in the middle of the night is infinitely easier when you don't have to work the next day.
Hardship - I have NO idea what I should do with the rest of my life. I want this next career path to be one that can stick. I'm weary of the change every two years. I'm weary of going to work and not loving what I do. Being passionate about it. I know the Lord has good plans for me but I have no idea what they are.
Another single foster mom said this on her blog today and it hit me between the eyes:
"The truth is, for me your trials may be easier or harder, but they wouldn't make me look more like Christ. And my trials might be easier or harder for you to handle, but that is not what will make you look more like Christ. He is glorified in our weakness, so of course our trials are going to bring out what is weakest in us, but this is for our good. Our trials are specifically chosen for us by our Creator who knows what is best for us, in order that we may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing and that He may get the glory for it."
God is pushing me to look more like him. Thankfully, I have been wise financially, so I don't have to rush out and find a job RIGHT THIS SECOND. I have some time. However, I don't necessarily want to just sit around and do nothing. I have to take steps in the right direction. So I am going to have to start making some goals. Because life with a newborn makes it awfully easy to reach the end of the day and have done NOTHING other than feed, change and snuggle a baby. And while there is nothing wrong with that, it doesn't pay the bills or put food on the table when time runs out.
May this trial make me more like Jesus. And may I move forward with finding what HE has for me today. And tomorrow. And forever.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
On Saying No
Got a text yesterday:
"Would you consider taking sisters? 18 months old and 7 months old."
The heart thumping started. The response "Umm... thinking hard. Tell me more." Got some more info made a couple of phone calls (involving the phrase, "Am I crazy?") and felt clearly - the answer was no. Later that day I walked into my boss's office and said, "You'll be glad to know, there is a limit to my fostering craziness."
6 months ago, saying no to two little girls would have never crossed my mind. Then came the month of weekly (sometimes daily) doctor visits with placement #3. And through that experience I realized my limitations. Having two on a day-to-day, at my house/ in day care, we are all healthy basis doesn't overwhelm me. But when I think about dealing with two kiddos worth of appointments, I get queasy. And them passing the inevitable day care colds back and forth. Add to that finding day care for two. And babysitters who are approved AND don't already have enough kids that two puts them over the limit and I have to realize my limitations. I am doing this as a single, working girl. And as much as I want to do it all. I can't.
So I have almost 100% decided that I will only take one placement. The exception would come if there were two and one of them was non-mobile. Even then that would be pushing it. When I initially said no to placement #3, there was a feeling of utter disgust. A feeling of "this is the worst decision I have ever made. Ever." With this situation, none of that. More of a sense of relief that I didn't have two kids descending upon my house that evening. Several times last night, the roommate and I would look at each other and say - we didn't get two kids today! And sigh great sighs of relief.
Life shouldn't all be based on feelings, but at the same time it is nice when the feeling gets on board with the decision your brain and faith told you to make. I'm waiting patiently for the phone to ring and take me on my next adventure with #4. I will do respite for some kiddos along the way, and rejoice whenever the time comes for one who is here for longer. Another face in the fostering joy photo album. Another child who will forever live in my heart.
Here's to saying no, so that when I say yes, it is the best situation for me AND placement #4!
"Would you consider taking sisters? 18 months old and 7 months old."
The heart thumping started. The response "Umm... thinking hard. Tell me more." Got some more info made a couple of phone calls (involving the phrase, "Am I crazy?") and felt clearly - the answer was no. Later that day I walked into my boss's office and said, "You'll be glad to know, there is a limit to my fostering craziness."
6 months ago, saying no to two little girls would have never crossed my mind. Then came the month of weekly (sometimes daily) doctor visits with placement #3. And through that experience I realized my limitations. Having two on a day-to-day, at my house/ in day care, we are all healthy basis doesn't overwhelm me. But when I think about dealing with two kiddos worth of appointments, I get queasy. And them passing the inevitable day care colds back and forth. Add to that finding day care for two. And babysitters who are approved AND don't already have enough kids that two puts them over the limit and I have to realize my limitations. I am doing this as a single, working girl. And as much as I want to do it all. I can't.
So I have almost 100% decided that I will only take one placement. The exception would come if there were two and one of them was non-mobile. Even then that would be pushing it. When I initially said no to placement #3, there was a feeling of utter disgust. A feeling of "this is the worst decision I have ever made. Ever." With this situation, none of that. More of a sense of relief that I didn't have two kids descending upon my house that evening. Several times last night, the roommate and I would look at each other and say - we didn't get two kids today! And sigh great sighs of relief.
Life shouldn't all be based on feelings, but at the same time it is nice when the feeling gets on board with the decision your brain and faith told you to make. I'm waiting patiently for the phone to ring and take me on my next adventure with #4. I will do respite for some kiddos along the way, and rejoice whenever the time comes for one who is here for longer. Another face in the fostering joy photo album. Another child who will forever live in my heart.
Here's to saying no, so that when I say yes, it is the best situation for me AND placement #4!
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