Grieving with Hope

Last night of snuggles

Hard to believe that it's been one week.  One week since precious, sweet #4 left my care to go live with her forever family. And one week since my heart shattered to pieces as she was carried out the door. It might sound a little bit dramatic. But that is what happened.

Yes, I knew it was coming.

Yes, her new family is PERFECT for her. (And a crazy fun story that will be told soon.)

Yes, I know she is safe, and loved, and cared for.

I knew all of these things, but my heart still broke. For 7 1/2 months, my life was this sweet little girl. We walked through sickness after sickness. Food allergies. Vomit. Tears. Laughter. Rolling. Crawling. Teething. Lack of sleep. She and I did all of this together. Until one week ago, she and I had never spent a night apart since she left the hospital. And my world still doesn't feel normal.

I've been through my normal fostering, they left, clean up. All the baby stuff is hidden away, the constant reminder that she is gone too hard to look at. I've made it through my first church service. (Crying the whole time, without kleenex.) Been shopping, eaten tons of junk food (Which does seem to help somehow). But I still ache to see her face. To snuggle her close one more time. I miss this little girl.

Her new family will send me updates once I'm ready. Which right now I'm not. Seeing her living life with another family is still too hard at the moment. Even if they are the family that God picked out for her. And they are.

Time and Jesus are great healers. One week is just beginning to scratch the surface of what it will take for my life to feel normal without #4 in it. As I was working on my BSF this past week, we studied Psalm 34. And the Lord reached his hand out to me with verse 18:

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

So many ask how I am doing - and the best answer I can give is that I am grieving. Missing this precious little girl. However, I cry with hope. And grieve with hope. Knowing that while it hurts like none other, that I made the right decision for her.

Tuesday I felt like I found a bend in the road, not quite turning a corner, but it was a better day than all the previous days. The crying is becoming less. The hurting not quite as painful. And I can think about the next placement phone call and get a little bit excited. Knowing that when it comes, a new little one will need a safe haven. And I will get out all of the baby stuff. And pour myself into another little one again. And maybe this one will stay forever. And maybe not. This ministry I am so passionate about does not come easy. But through the Lord's strength you keep on going. And keep doing this thing that seems so impossible. Because most of all this fostering thing - it's not about me. It's about being obedient and giving these children a place to stay when they so desperately need it.

Please join me in praying for #4. That she will embrace her new family. Bond totally and quickly with them. That she will know that she is loved. And always has been. That she will grow up to be a woman that loves Jesus above all else. Thank you!