Complicated Brings Perspective

Things with #3 have gotten rather complicated. Between her being a voluntary placement, visits with a family member every other weekend and the fact she has been not sick for about 24 hours in the last month, I. Am. Weary.

#3 is such a joy. Y'all she is the cutest, sweetest, most precious little girl and I LOVE getting to spend time with her. I don't love the middle of the night wake up calls. The constant wondering if she is sick enough to go to the doctor or if we should just wait it out or how long she will be living at my house.

I have this feeling in my gut that #3 won't be with us much longer. And the more I learn about the situation, I don't think that is a bad thing. But my heart is already breaking at the thought of this precious little girl not being in my life anymore. (Let me be clear - No one at my agency or anywhere has said she will be leaving soon. It's just a feeling that I have, which could be entirely inaccurate.)

Yesterday I was struggling with the thought that she would possibly be leaving soon. One of my favorite places, Pine Cove, posted a verse on their Facebook page:

So trust him absolutely, people; 

lay your lives on the line for him. 

God is a safe place to be. 

Psalm 62:8 (The Message)

Talk about getting smacked between the eyes. Trust Him ABSOLUTELY. Was I really doing this with #3? 

Last night as we were up from 2:00-2:30am, instead of my usual longing to be asleep - I prayed. While I rocked this sweet little girl, I prayed for her family. For her life. For me to treasure every remaining second she is in my care. This morning as she was a total grump from not going to sleep quickly then being up in the middle of the night, I treasured every snuggle into my shoulder. And didn't feel my normal annoyance at having to pack my lunch, and get out the door while holding a clingy toddler. 

Complicated in this case brought me some bigger perspective. My days with #3 are numbered. My days in general are numbered. Am I making them count?

Right now I am soaking up every snuggle. Every giggle. Every "Nana" (As close as she can get to my name). Every please and cup of milk have become a treasure to be filed away and never forgotten. If you get a chance, can you join me in praying for #3? That everyone involved in her case would be granted wisdom. And that the best decision would be made for her. If that means leaving my care, that I will be ok with it. It if means she stays, that I will rejoice in each moment I have to train and teach her. Thank you dear friends!

Brokenness

Yesterday I posted the following status to my facebook page:

When you get slapped in the face with the brokenness of this world, your heart hurts. And I'm reminded - this is not my home.

It has been a wonderful 3 1/2 weeks with placement #3. She is a sweet, precious 15 month old and I have LOVED having her around. My life has been shifted into two segments - Thinks I can do while baby is awake and things I have to do while baby is asleep. She got a cold this past week and it was the saddest thing to see. She's slowly getting better, but I feel like we have a ways to go.

Found out on Wednesday that #3 was having a court date yesterday.  And the more I learned about the situation, the more I was struck with how broken this family is. My heart hurt for them. They all love #3 and want her to be a part of their lives, but how that should look is totally convoluted and twisted and hard. Something that should be a rock and guarantee - family - is not present in this case. And it made my heart ache.

I am so thankful for Jesus. For hope in the midst of pain. For knowing that He loves #3 AND HER FAMILY way more than I ever could. #3 is staying with me, for now. The situation was worked out to a great compromise for everyone involved. And now I'm just praying for Mom to finish getting her life together so #3 can go home.

Fostering opens your eyes to brokenness. You can't ignore it. Sometimes you get used to it and even calloused to it, but then days like yesterday come. And the callouses are torn off and removed. And your heart just aches for a world that is so lost. I wrote one of my friends - It makes me want Jesus to come back. So we can be done with all of this brokenness.

But until that day I will keep loving on these babies, and loving on these families as much as I can. With hope that my love will point them to a love SO much bigger than me. A love that will never leave them or forsake them. A love that will give them hope and peace. A Savior who will show them grace.

Because HE is the reason I hope. And trust. And can deal with the brokenness. Even when it makes my heart hurt.

Thankful: November 28-30

Wow! I've actually managed to blog semi-regularly in the month of November. Maybe I can keep this up in the months to come.

November 28 - My Bible Study Group
I've already been thankful for BSF, and the discipline it is requiring of me is so good, but this one is a little different. I've only met with them twice, but this group of women is incredible. I am challenged and encouraged by them every week. I shared how work had been difficult and I had several come up and ask me what I did, and how they could pray for me. I was so honored. I love how diverse the group is and how honest!

November 29 - Spotify
Totally superficial, but I LOVE spotify. It allows me to listen to music at work without having to run the battery down on my phone. I can test albums to see if I want to actually own them. I can take advantage of my friends music taste that is much better than mine (Thanks Val for your public lists. :)) And best of all the app can be controlled by the music controls on the top row of my keyboard. When the phone rings at work, I can simply push the pause button and answer. I have enjoyed this app far more than I would have guessed.

November 30 - Community
Recently I have: Had a friend bring me lunch at the office because I was having a terrible day and hadn't gotten to eat yet. She made me a sandwich and brought it to me at work, loading her 4 kids in the car to do so. Taken crackers and ginger ale to a friend who had a stomach bug. Had multiple friends a) love on placement #2 then b) check on me and how I am doing when placement #2 left so quickly.

Today I have: Scheduled a lunch date for tomorrow with a friend I haven't gotten to sit and talk to in awhile. Set up a meeting with a friend to talk about decorating my office at work (After 4 months, I'm tired of staring at blank walls.) Gotten an email about a freezer cooking day that I have been invited to join (which will hopefully keep me from eating out quite so much).

Y'all I am so blessed by this community that is surrounding me. I could never have predicted this when I moved to Tyler in 2005. God has provided more than I could have ever asked or imagined. It is a fitting way to end this thankful list. This community makes me a better Joanna. A better friend. A better sister. A better daughter. A better follower of Jesus.

And for that I am so thankful.

Thankful: November 22-27

A special thankful week! The actual week of Thanksgiving! 

November 22 - My Mom

Y'all, today was a hard day. Missing #2 a ton. And work exploded. As in called my mom at lunch crying, exploded. Ugly cried. Really ugly cried. My mom listened to me on the phone, was patient, and helped me come to several realizations. I'm taking a month "off" from fostering. Took my house off the list until January while I get some things worked out and figured out. The first couple of weeks you have kiddos are hard with all of the appointments and other things that you have to take care of, and I don't seem to get kids for more than a week. I need to take the time to focus on getting my job under control and then be ready to welcome more kiddos into my home. My mom helped me come to that conclusion and was supportive. Like she always is. She is the first person I call about so many things. Calls about placements, life falling apart, etc.

November 23 - Transportation

Left after work was over to drive home for the Holiday. So thankful for a car that runs (most of the time) that is paid off and isn't a crazy huge gas guzzler. I may complain about the Rendezvous, but it gets me where I need to go.

November 24 - Family

I have an awesome family. Thanksgiving is THE family holiday on my Dad's side and this year was an on year. We were only missing 3 of the 11 cousins! Throw in spouses and kids and there were 31 people at my Uncle Roger and Aunt Tyra's house for Thanksgiving dinner. It was a blast. So fun to catch up and eat good food and just share. So many of them wanted to hear about my fostering journey and it was great to get to share with them!

November 25 - Restaurants

I love a good home cooked meal, but when life is busy, you can't beat the convenience of restaurants! We went to lunch at North Side Hamburgers and Mom and Dad picked up Coopers BBQ on their way home from a funeral. Good food was had by all. And there weren't any dishes to mess with either. :) This allowed for time to decorate the outside of parents house for Christmas since we knew the weather would be getting cold. I think it was a success:

November 26 - Home

It finally got COLD. I was so thankful to have a warm place to be and I did not venture outside of that warm place all day long. I love that it is FINALLY where we aren't supposed to have any days in the 70s for a whole week! (I'll believe it when it actually happens, but at least it is on the forecast at this point.)

November 27 - Christmas!

I LOVE CHRISTMAS! The music. The joy. The celebration. I spent 5 1/2 hours in the car listening to my favorite Christmas hits and spent the evening decorating the house for the season. As usual, our house looks like a Christmas store exploded, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Ready for some hot chocolate, Christmas cookies and fudge!

Three more days! 

Thankful - November 14 - 21

Here it goes. I'm writing this post with tears running down my cheeks as I have a sweet little girl sleeping on my shoulder. She is single handedly the thing I am most thankful for in the last week.

November 14 - Placement #2
I got the call at 2pm that they had a baby for me! Placement #2 is a sweet 4 1/2 week old little girl. She came at 5:00 and my world suddenly revolved around this precious bundle of joy in my house. Sleep became scarce, but the love was overwhelming.

November 15 - Friends!
The outpouring of love for #2 has been phenomenal. She was given/lent lots of clothes and we had another friend loan us a carseat. It was amazing to see the love our friends have for us showered upon #2!

November 16 - St Paul's Children's Foundation
#2 had not been to the doctor since she was born. We had to take her in pretty much immediately to be seen. St Paul's takes in Medicaid cases, which most doctors around town will not do. The doctor we saw was phenomenal and we found out that she weighed 11lbs!

November 17 - Insurance
This isn't related to #2, but I found out that my doctor that I love is on my new insurance carrier. I am beyond excited about this.

November 18 - Sleep
Little miss started sleeping some 5 hour stretches at night on Thursday night. This is revolutionary. I am also thankful for my agency's clothing stipend. We are sending off #2 in style. She has tons of clothes to get her started at her new home!

November 19 - Carrie
Today was a day of two birthday parties. One for a sweet little dude who turned one and one for my roommate Elizabeth. It was a big day with #2 getting lots of love from all around. Carrie is another of my dearest friends who I met in 2006 when she married another of my friends Chad. She has been walking through some hard times, but she went with me to run some errands and it was good to just get to sit and talk to her. She is such an encouragement.

November 20 - Elizabeth
Seriously. My roommate is amazing. She has spent the last week taking care of #2 all day while I work. She has shuttle her to appointments, listened to me complain, showed grace under pressure, and has just been amazing. She has boiled nipples to keep #2's thrush from getting worse. She has changed poopy diapers and cleaned up the house for her own party. Her birthday was yesterday and we spent it around the house hanging out with #2. I am so blessed to have her as a roommate.

November 21 - Jesus
Yes it may have taken me awhile to get here, but I am extra grateful for him today. I got the call at 10:30 this morning that #2 is going to live with an aunt. I had a feeling when court was this early, that it would happen. My heart is hurting some, but I can't say I'm surprised, The only thing that makes this bearable is knowing that Jesus loves her more than I do. He has plans for #2 and I have to accept that. So in my mind I keep singing "You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed by your name."

So there you have it. I am beyond grateful for the last week with this baby girl. And today will be hard. My boss is amazing and has let me spend the afternoon at home getting in some last snuggles. And yes there will be tears, but it is so worth it. I know that she has been loved more in the last week than she had experienced in her whole life before coming to our house. I know we have taken care of her well. And she will be added to my list, along with #1, of kiddos I'm praying for.

And I will remember the past but look forward to what is to come.

Thankful - November 6-13

Here comes round two of the Thankful post. Every day, things come up that I think, "hey, this could be my one thing for today!"

November 6 - Mary Lynne
Oh for words to say how precious my friendship with Mary Lynne is! Today it was brought to the forefront of my mind because I spent the afternoon at her house. She saved Covert Affairs to watch and Ez and I went to the Joneses house to hang out and catch up on what shenanigans Annie and Auggie are getting into. Mary Lynne and Robbie welcomed me into their lives when I first moved to Tyler and I have counted them as friends ever since. Their kiddos were the first two to steal my heart in this town and I love them still. Watching them walk through their ongoing fostering journey is what ignited my passion for this ministry and now my participation! You can read about ML's fostering journey on her blog. Mary Lynne is my go to person for all things kids. She has been taking care of infants and toddlers for years and has such knowledge. I'm so thankful for her help every time I have a placement (or do respite as you will se later this week.)

November 7 - BSF/ Starla Lawrence
I go to Sunday School with a wonderful, godly, and wise group of people who happen to be my parent's age. I have learned so much since I started attending a couple of years ago. Starla's husband, Scott teaches the class and I have been blessed by his wisdom during that time. Starla announced on Sunday that BSF was doing an intro class, and I finally bit the bullet and said I would go. She agreed to drive me (I knew I would chicken out if I didn't set an appointment.) I went and I am SO excited. I love structure and BSF has that in spades! I've been needing to be more intentional about my Bible Study and BSF is going to provide that. I will meet my small group tomorrow.

November 8 - Rain!
It rained today! So excited because a) we desperately need the rain and b) I got to wear my rain jacket.

November 9 - Respite Care
I got to spend most of this week loving on some sweet little boys that are in foster care. The family had to take a trip to a wedding and it was not conducive for a 3 yr old and a 16 month old to tag along. So they came to our house for Wednesday to Sunday. I had watched these little dudes before and they are precious beyond measure!

November 10 - Caffeine
Up from 2-3 with a coughing 3 yr old and then a 5:30am wake up call from the baby, I was more than thankful for hot tea and Dr Pepper on Thursday.

November 11 - Pack-N-Plays and Veggie Tales
The only way I got a shower on the 11th was little dude having some play time while watching Veggie Tales. He was safe and I got to get ready for work.

November 12 - My Neighborhood
This goes for two days - I took a nice walk with the boys in the morning while Ez was at lab. Living on a no outlet street off another no outlet street really cuts down on the traffic. We walked and picked up fall leaves. We counted rocks. We learned the name of pine needles. We talked about the footprints (aka dark spots of asphalt fill) We roared and went over animal sounds. It was great fun!

November 13 - Chalk and Cars
Beautiful weather led to another walk that ended with an hour spent outside drawing on the driveway with chalk and playing with cars. A road or two might have been added to the party for the cars to have a place to go. We were all covered in chalk by the end but it was such fun. I definitely need to invest in some sidewalk chalk in the near future. Here's the aftermath of all the fun!

So there you go. Another week in! Cannot wait to see what God brings to the forefront over the next few weeks.

Thankful - November 1-5

Oh Thanksgiving. The long, forgotten holiday. A trend around Facebook is saying something you are grateful for every day. Now, I thought the idea was awesome, but then a few days went by and I forgot to post anything so I thought, "Hey, you have a blog. Why not write on it what you are thankful for!" Each day there will be something specific about THAT day that I am thankful for. So here we go - My thankful list for the first week of November:

1 - Alias

Now I'm not really thankful for Alias (Though Sidney Bristow is awesome), but more of what Alias represents in my life. Friends. I have an amazing group of friends here in Tyler. A large portion of us have gotten together on Monday, then Tuesday nights to watch through TV shows. Arrested Development (I came in after that one), Veronica Mars, The Mole, Alias. It has been so fun watching through these shows with my friends! Bonding over TV. And there is still a Veronica Mars shaped hole in my heart...

2 - My Job

This was a rough week at work for me. I'm still finding my footing in many ways and things exploded on several projects on Tuesday and Wednesday. I am thankful for my boss, who gives grace, and yet expects much. I am thankful that it is from 8-5 and then I leave. Nothing to take home. My time outside work is mine to do with as I will. I'm working to come up with a better plan for that time.

3 - My Caseworker

Had a house visit with my case worker on Thursday. It has been hard waiting all of these months for a placement. But my caseworker is awesome. She fights for me to get placements and is on my team. I want these kiddos to go where they are supposed to go, but it is nice to know that you have someone on your side. And I found out that she is having a baby. I'm SO excited for her!!

4 - My Kiddos

Last night I got to just sit and read with some of my friends kids. It had been far too long since I had done that. It was so good to see faces light up when I walked in the room. And to read "The Noisy Car" for the 50 millionth time. Then just getting to sit and catch up with my friends afterwards. It was a night that did my heart good.

5 - Seth/Ryan Time

Watching through the OC with Val and Ez has been so much fun. It is about so much more than The O.C. (And how dang hot Ryan Atwood is in Season 3) It provides an opportunity for us to get together. Hang Out. Be supportive. Just living life side by side. 

This is fun! I can't wait to see what God brings to the forefront each day of this month for me to be thankful for.