A Gentle Reminder

I haven't really intended on most of my posts since starting to blog again to be of such a serious note, but this is where I am right now. And it is the real me. So here we go.

The pile of paperwork in the last post is a couple of sheets smaller. I got a few done, but the big autobiography is daunting. And articulating answers to "Tell some pleasant and unpleasant memories from your childhood" is not exactly an easy thing to do.  My goal is to do a question or two a night. It's not going well so far...

But I had a gentle reminder of my desire to do this on Friday night.  One of my favorite families is currently fostering. They already had a sweet boy (in addition to their own two sons.).  They felt like they might would be ready to take another placement. They said yes to their agency and on Friday came to our weekly Friday Night Fun dinner with an new little one. A sweet, beautiful 2 month old baby girl.  She started to get fussy and they let me get her out of her car seat and cuddle her. My. Heart. Melted.

I'm getting tears in my eyes right now when I think about this little baby. God has used her to remind me of why I have to fill out the pile of paperwork. Of why I have to go through all of my stuff to get rid of things to make room for a baby in this apartment. I'm ready. Ready to have one in my house who needs love. And a parent who knows things like, don't put baby food in a 2 month old's bottle. Heck, don't give two month old babies baby food at all.  A little munchkin to snuggle and love on.

Life would be so much easier to just continue as is. But it's time to be done with easy. It's time to walk these steps. And so I am thankful. Thankful for the gentle reminder of why this is where I am supposed to walk. And though the road may not be easy, He is faithful. And thankful for a little girl, who with her new foster family will get the care and attention she needs. And who will probably never know just how much she affected me. She will just know that Miss Joanna loves her. A Lot.

A Big Day Indeed

Well friends, it turned out to be a wonderful big day.  We had some crazy weather that we thought would make us miss our big meeting, but the roads were clear and my sickness manageable. We had a group orientation which was wonderful. There were a lot of families there and they asked some great questions that I don't think I would have though of. So we are one step closer on our journey. We have a half day of training at the end of January.  I am beyond excited. I want to get everything done and a kid in my house NOW, but I know before the end of may would be unwise. So here we go:

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21

Snow!

Some observations of a snow day:

1) One of the benefits of living on the second story of the apartment complex is how beautiful the snow looks from my window.

2) It is a lot more fun to listen to "Let it Snow" and "Winter Wonderland" when it's actually snowing. (I made an exception to my Thanksgiving-Christmas rule for today)

3) Snow is way more fun when you don't have to go anywhere and it isn't interfering with anything that needs to get done. (Yet - we'll see how tomorrow goes.)

4) It's really fun to watch your neighbors from India see snow for the first time.  I walked over to my window to watch the snow and had the fun of watching them take pictures with the snow. (In shorts and sandals none the less).  Fun times.

5) (There are more verses if you wish to google them. :))

1. Lord Jesus, I long to be perfectly whole;
   I want Thee forever to live in my soul;
   Break down every idol, cast out every foe—
   Now wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
   • Refrain:
     Whiter than snow, yes, whiter than snow,
     Now wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
2. Lord Jesus, let nothing unholy remain,
   Apply Thine own blood and extract every stain;
   To get this blest cleansing, I all things forego—
   Now wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
3. Amen and Amen

Big Day

I can't think about big days without thinking of my dear friend, Suzanne. Suzanne is currently living out her dream overseas with the journeyman program. She walked through a crazy time while she was living with me (and a rotating crew of other roommates) for two years. I got to see her pursue her dream and she saw me pursue mine. I love you Suzanne!

On to the big day mentioned in the title... Monday is a big day. Elizabeth and I are going to our orientation meeting to get the wheels really rolling on our foster parenting plan. I am overwhelmed and overjoyed at the same time.  I am ready to move forward in the process, but I feel like I hit a wall on Friday. A wall of sickness that is. I have junk in my lungs and my head is full of crud. My voice disappeared by the time 4th block was over.

I'm just praying that two days of rest, movies, the first season of Glee, and TONS of water will keep from having to reschedule.  I'm ready to get the ball rolling. To see action towards the goal that God has placed so clearly on my heart.  But if not, He is in control. He is faithful and trust Him is what I will do.

"But I trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing unto the Lord for He has been good to me." Psalm 13:5-6

As a side note - Monday was our first day back at school. A kid walked up to my last period (and hardest class) and said "It's my favorite class and I've had to wait ALL day!" Small moments of joy, my friends. Small moments. :)

Choosing to SEE

I have spent quite a few hours over the past few days reading Mary Beth Chapman's Choosing to See: A Journey of Struggle and Hope. I finished it this morning with tears filling my eyes as she openly shares about their struggles. And how even 2 years later all she wants is Maria back. Something that she mentions throughout the book (specifically the 2nd half after Maria dies) is that this is hard, and as a family, with God's help, they can do hard.  Her brutal honesty and refusal to sugar coat what they are going through has profoundly affected me.

Life is hard.  My life has NOTHING going on in it that is remotely relatable to the pain her family is feeling at losing Maria. I have felt pain and loss, but cannot even begin to think about the pain her family is experiencing.  My tendency with pain is to shove it under the rug. Push through. Keep moving until the pain goes away. Or is buried so deep I don't think about it anymore. But the reality is the pain comes back. Harder. Stronger. And only by the grace of God holding your hand do you make it through.

My life is changing. I'm working through a process to get a child into my life who needs a place for hope. A place of love. And I have no doubt when that baby leaves, to go back to his/her parents or to an adoptive home, I will hurt. More than I can probably imagine right now.  But does that mean I shouldn't do this thing that I feel the Lord clearly calling me to? No. Life is hard. Pain is ever present. But we have to choose to SEE. SEE the Lord in every moment that I have that sweet child with me. SEE Him in every moment I miss them when they are gone. SEE him in the mundane every day tasks.

So I'm going to start now. Start looking for Him. Start choosing to SEE.

Side By Side

I love living life side by side with people. Seeing the good, the bad, and the ugly. But it isn't always easy. Recently I was reminded of while this aspect of my life is great, it isn't always simple.  We had some wonderful highs at the end of this week.  My roommate turned 26. A couple of my friends had their first child, a precious boy. A friend's foster baby's mom came to church for the second time.

But it was a week of the lowest lows.  The new baby had to go into the NICU. Another friend is watching her sister succumb to cancer that she has been fighting for many years.  And my heart hurts.  When you celebrate and rejoice in the highs, you also hurt and weep in the lows.

And I see how God has made us to have this community.  I know as I pray for my friend watching her sister die, that she would be doing the same for me.  I know as I go up to the hospital to visit my friends, even knowing I won't meet their precious baby boy, that they would do the same for me.  That when one of us hurts, we all hurt. But when one of us rejoices, we all rejoice.

People have asked me if I have thought about moving closer to my family. And the answer is yes, I have thought about it.  But when it comes down to it, I can't imagine embarking on this new journey without this community. Without these people to call when I want to pull my hair out. When I am exhausted because the baby is sick. When I don't know why the baby is doing this or that.

I had no idea when God brought me here 5 years ago that I would make such amazing friends. That my life would be so full. Of happiness. Of heart ache. Of Fear. Of Joy. But it is worth it. As I live in community with these friends. Side by Side.

Living Sacrificially

Well, it's been almost a year since I have posted. And this is a long one. :) I realized last spring that all I really did was whine on my blog, and that it wasn't healthy for me and really, who wants to read that? So I stopped. But life isn't quite as hard right now. Each day isn't as challenging. My job isn't easy by any stretch of the imagination, but I don't wake up each day praying I have a temperature so I can justify staying home sick.

As I have been walking through this Fall, I've been thinking about how "easy" my life is. I have challenges sure. (What on earth do I do to get that one class to understand what I'm talking about?!?) However as a whole, I don't feel that I live sacrificially. There isn't a whole lot about my life that is uncomfortable.

My roommate and I were talking about my desire to be foster parenting by the time I'm 30.  I had this list of things to get done before then. (Travel, Buy a House, etc) As we were talking I realized how I wasn't sure I was supposed to wait that long.  We talked a lot. And we came to the conclusion that we both wanted to do this. And we didn't think that we should wait until we weren't living together anymore.

Tuesday of this week I emailed a local foster parenting agency that had been recommended to me by some friends who are foster parenting. I wanted to make sure it was a possibility for us to do this living in the same house and not against some rules somewhere. I was putting my dreams out there and waiting for an answer.

Today the answer came. It was a YES! Only one of us can be licensed (me), but I don't have to wait to be able to afford to live by myself. I was so excited. It feels so good to have this dream be within reach.  We jumped up and down and squealed a little. Ok a lot. I'm SO excited. And scared. And overwhelmed. But mostly excited.

We won't be able to start until next fall. We are stuck in our apartment lease until the end of summer, and it would be really expensive to break it.  The current plan is to do all of the training in the summer so that when we move in August, all we will have to do is the home inspection and fire inspection on the new house and start soon thereafter.

So you can pray for me. That I enjoy these next months of singleness and freedom.  That I work hard to prayerfully prepare for this.  That I hold this dream loosely so that if it isn't what God wants that I will be ok with it. But for now, I'm embracing excited.