Thankful - November 14 - 21

Here it goes. I'm writing this post with tears running down my cheeks as I have a sweet little girl sleeping on my shoulder. She is single handedly the thing I am most thankful for in the last week.

November 14 - Placement #2
I got the call at 2pm that they had a baby for me! Placement #2 is a sweet 4 1/2 week old little girl. She came at 5:00 and my world suddenly revolved around this precious bundle of joy in my house. Sleep became scarce, but the love was overwhelming.

November 15 - Friends!
The outpouring of love for #2 has been phenomenal. She was given/lent lots of clothes and we had another friend loan us a carseat. It was amazing to see the love our friends have for us showered upon #2!

November 16 - St Paul's Children's Foundation
#2 had not been to the doctor since she was born. We had to take her in pretty much immediately to be seen. St Paul's takes in Medicaid cases, which most doctors around town will not do. The doctor we saw was phenomenal and we found out that she weighed 11lbs!

November 17 - Insurance
This isn't related to #2, but I found out that my doctor that I love is on my new insurance carrier. I am beyond excited about this.

November 18 - Sleep
Little miss started sleeping some 5 hour stretches at night on Thursday night. This is revolutionary. I am also thankful for my agency's clothing stipend. We are sending off #2 in style. She has tons of clothes to get her started at her new home!

November 19 - Carrie
Today was a day of two birthday parties. One for a sweet little dude who turned one and one for my roommate Elizabeth. It was a big day with #2 getting lots of love from all around. Carrie is another of my dearest friends who I met in 2006 when she married another of my friends Chad. She has been walking through some hard times, but she went with me to run some errands and it was good to just get to sit and talk to her. She is such an encouragement.

November 20 - Elizabeth
Seriously. My roommate is amazing. She has spent the last week taking care of #2 all day while I work. She has shuttle her to appointments, listened to me complain, showed grace under pressure, and has just been amazing. She has boiled nipples to keep #2's thrush from getting worse. She has changed poopy diapers and cleaned up the house for her own party. Her birthday was yesterday and we spent it around the house hanging out with #2. I am so blessed to have her as a roommate.

November 21 - Jesus
Yes it may have taken me awhile to get here, but I am extra grateful for him today. I got the call at 10:30 this morning that #2 is going to live with an aunt. I had a feeling when court was this early, that it would happen. My heart is hurting some, but I can't say I'm surprised, The only thing that makes this bearable is knowing that Jesus loves her more than I do. He has plans for #2 and I have to accept that. So in my mind I keep singing "You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed by your name."

So there you have it. I am beyond grateful for the last week with this baby girl. And today will be hard. My boss is amazing and has let me spend the afternoon at home getting in some last snuggles. And yes there will be tears, but it is so worth it. I know that she has been loved more in the last week than she had experienced in her whole life before coming to our house. I know we have taken care of her well. And she will be added to my list, along with #1, of kiddos I'm praying for.

And I will remember the past but look forward to what is to come.

Thankful - November 6-13

Here comes round two of the Thankful post. Every day, things come up that I think, "hey, this could be my one thing for today!"

November 6 - Mary Lynne
Oh for words to say how precious my friendship with Mary Lynne is! Today it was brought to the forefront of my mind because I spent the afternoon at her house. She saved Covert Affairs to watch and Ez and I went to the Joneses house to hang out and catch up on what shenanigans Annie and Auggie are getting into. Mary Lynne and Robbie welcomed me into their lives when I first moved to Tyler and I have counted them as friends ever since. Their kiddos were the first two to steal my heart in this town and I love them still. Watching them walk through their ongoing fostering journey is what ignited my passion for this ministry and now my participation! You can read about ML's fostering journey on her blog. Mary Lynne is my go to person for all things kids. She has been taking care of infants and toddlers for years and has such knowledge. I'm so thankful for her help every time I have a placement (or do respite as you will se later this week.)

November 7 - BSF/ Starla Lawrence
I go to Sunday School with a wonderful, godly, and wise group of people who happen to be my parent's age. I have learned so much since I started attending a couple of years ago. Starla's husband, Scott teaches the class and I have been blessed by his wisdom during that time. Starla announced on Sunday that BSF was doing an intro class, and I finally bit the bullet and said I would go. She agreed to drive me (I knew I would chicken out if I didn't set an appointment.) I went and I am SO excited. I love structure and BSF has that in spades! I've been needing to be more intentional about my Bible Study and BSF is going to provide that. I will meet my small group tomorrow.

November 8 - Rain!
It rained today! So excited because a) we desperately need the rain and b) I got to wear my rain jacket.

November 9 - Respite Care
I got to spend most of this week loving on some sweet little boys that are in foster care. The family had to take a trip to a wedding and it was not conducive for a 3 yr old and a 16 month old to tag along. So they came to our house for Wednesday to Sunday. I had watched these little dudes before and they are precious beyond measure!

November 10 - Caffeine
Up from 2-3 with a coughing 3 yr old and then a 5:30am wake up call from the baby, I was more than thankful for hot tea and Dr Pepper on Thursday.

November 11 - Pack-N-Plays and Veggie Tales
The only way I got a shower on the 11th was little dude having some play time while watching Veggie Tales. He was safe and I got to get ready for work.

November 12 - My Neighborhood
This goes for two days - I took a nice walk with the boys in the morning while Ez was at lab. Living on a no outlet street off another no outlet street really cuts down on the traffic. We walked and picked up fall leaves. We counted rocks. We learned the name of pine needles. We talked about the footprints (aka dark spots of asphalt fill) We roared and went over animal sounds. It was great fun!

November 13 - Chalk and Cars
Beautiful weather led to another walk that ended with an hour spent outside drawing on the driveway with chalk and playing with cars. A road or two might have been added to the party for the cars to have a place to go. We were all covered in chalk by the end but it was such fun. I definitely need to invest in some sidewalk chalk in the near future. Here's the aftermath of all the fun!

So there you go. Another week in! Cannot wait to see what God brings to the forefront over the next few weeks.

Thankful - November 1-5

Oh Thanksgiving. The long, forgotten holiday. A trend around Facebook is saying something you are grateful for every day. Now, I thought the idea was awesome, but then a few days went by and I forgot to post anything so I thought, "Hey, you have a blog. Why not write on it what you are thankful for!" Each day there will be something specific about THAT day that I am thankful for. So here we go - My thankful list for the first week of November:

1 - Alias

Now I'm not really thankful for Alias (Though Sidney Bristow is awesome), but more of what Alias represents in my life. Friends. I have an amazing group of friends here in Tyler. A large portion of us have gotten together on Monday, then Tuesday nights to watch through TV shows. Arrested Development (I came in after that one), Veronica Mars, The Mole, Alias. It has been so fun watching through these shows with my friends! Bonding over TV. And there is still a Veronica Mars shaped hole in my heart...

2 - My Job

This was a rough week at work for me. I'm still finding my footing in many ways and things exploded on several projects on Tuesday and Wednesday. I am thankful for my boss, who gives grace, and yet expects much. I am thankful that it is from 8-5 and then I leave. Nothing to take home. My time outside work is mine to do with as I will. I'm working to come up with a better plan for that time.

3 - My Caseworker

Had a house visit with my case worker on Thursday. It has been hard waiting all of these months for a placement. But my caseworker is awesome. She fights for me to get placements and is on my team. I want these kiddos to go where they are supposed to go, but it is nice to know that you have someone on your side. And I found out that she is having a baby. I'm SO excited for her!!

4 - My Kiddos

Last night I got to just sit and read with some of my friends kids. It had been far too long since I had done that. It was so good to see faces light up when I walked in the room. And to read "The Noisy Car" for the 50 millionth time. Then just getting to sit and catch up with my friends afterwards. It was a night that did my heart good.

5 - Seth/Ryan Time

Watching through the OC with Val and Ez has been so much fun. It is about so much more than The O.C. (And how dang hot Ryan Atwood is in Season 3) It provides an opportunity for us to get together. Hang Out. Be supportive. Just living life side by side. 

This is fun! I can't wait to see what God brings to the forefront each day of this month for me to be thankful for. 

Not Much to Say

It's funny how I really only want to blog when bad things happen. Or really good things. But recently life has been a lot of blah broken up by an amazing trip to Galveston and a fun Birthday celebration with my family.

I did email my case worker at Methodist. She basically said that I am at the top of the list, but CPS can see all of the families, so with a 2 day old baby they went with the stay at home mom. And I can't blame them. If I was a CPS worker, I would choose a stay at home mom over a working mom too. Especially for a newborn. Now that my expectations have been adjusted, I'm ok with this development.

So no calls. This has lead to prayerfully considering taking 2 children. Or older children. In the last 4 1/2 months I have had 1 four day placement. Which while I can't complain, it makes me wonder if I am in the right age range/ number of kids.  When it comes down to it, I want a little baby. But sometimes what you want isn't what you need to do. And if you read back in my posts - fostering is not supposed to be about me!

I have been "complaining" a lot recently about how much free time I have and how hard it is. That I don't use my free time well, and I was ready to have a placement to take care of that. So God decided to give me the opportunity to babysit this weekend. And I didn't want to say yes. I had a crazy weekend last weekend, and a busy week this week, and all I wanted was a Saturday in my pajamas. But God nudged me back, and said remember all of that talk of free time not used well, Here is your chance to be a blessing to a friend who needs it. And now I am excited about my day with two sweet little boys and their older foster brother tomorrow.

But Sunday I am going to crash hard. :)

Oh My Selfishness!

There's nothing quite like fostering to bring out everything that is sinful about you and shove it to the forefront. I am learning SO much about myself. And let me tell you I am one selfish gal. I have been waiting for three months (closing quickly in on 3 1/2 months) for a placement. I have had 5 calls. Said yes to 4 and gotten 1 4 day placement. Today I found out that my agency placed a child in my age range with a different family that got certified at least a month after I did. And the tears haven't stopped since.

It is so frustrating to have been waiting for so long, be told you are at the front of the list, and then nothing. I'm sure there are many reasons this baby went where he or she did, but right now my heart is being selfish and wishing that this baby was at MY house. Isn't it funny how easy it is to spout off beliefs about God having a plan, and trusting Him until something that seems so unfair is thrown in your face? That is where I am right now. I am seeing the selfishness and oh my stars it is ugly.

This fostering adventure isn't supposed to be about me. It's not supposed to be about what I want or need. It is about serving where I feel called. And right now, I guess I'm not needed. I feel a little lost and am planning on setting up a meeting with my case worker to try and get a grip on what my expectations should be. I had felt like several people in the office had communicated with me that I was at the "top of the list," but maybe that doesn't mean what I thought it did.

The Lord is working hard on me right now. Calling on me to trust him and if I'm totally honest, I am failing miserably. This period of waiting has made much doubt come to the forefront. Am I really supposed to be doing this? Am I crazy? Did I hear God wrong? Now I'm having to work to keep from adding the self doubt of "Why didn't they call me? Do they not think I'm good enough?" to the mix.

So I guess I just need you to pray for me. That I will hold on to what I know is true. That I will be willing to take a step back and realize that even if I never get a placement, this journey has taught me so much about myself. And so much about where I need to grow. That I will leave this fostering journey up to the One who called me to walk it in the first place.

"But I trust in your unfailing love. My heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing unto the Lord for he has been good to me." Ps 13:5-6

Remember

My brother wrote quite an eloquent post about this day here. He inspired me to think hard and remember that day 10 years ago.

10 years ago, I was in my first semester of college at HPU. I had 8am classes on most days and was sitting in Math for Elementary teachers taught by Mrs. Bird. I don't remember what we were learning about, but I know that someone came in and told her that a plane had hit the World Trade Center. We stopped and prayed. A girl asked permission to leave class, her mom was on a plane on her way to NYC that day. But once she left, with a hush of solemnity, class continued. Next I headed to Music for Children with Dr. Rosine. We learned a little more from people who were just getting to school. It wasn't one tower, it was both. And more and more trickled in. Finally at 10am, the school cancelled classes for the rest of the day.

I walked slowly back to my dorm room. There was a crowd of people gathered around the big TV in the Veda lobby. Watching the recap of the plane hitting the second tower. And the towers coming down. And my world stopped. I found my cell phone and started checking in with family. I wanted nothing more than to hear the voices of my dearest ones and know that they were ok. Talked to my sister. Talked to my brother. Couldn't get ahold of my parents for ANYTHING. They had taken an empty nest vacation up to Colorado and were out of cell phone range. I have never wanted to talk to my parents as much as I did that day.

Here I was, a month in to living on my own, and thrust into the biggest moment of history in my lifetime thus far. I was scared and nervous. And all I wanted was to hear my Dad say it was going to be ok. It was several days later before I heard their voices and even longer after that before I got the "Daddy Hug" my heart had been waiting for.

I remember having a prayer service at Mimms Auditorium and them sharing how students at the school had been directly effected by the crash. I remember a friend who's mom worked for American Airlines and how her world turned upside down and got insanely busy.

So I will remember and never forget. It's interesting how life brings up times of remembrance. On the morning after Osama BinLaden was killed, my 6th graders came in talking about it. I stopped that morning and shared with them my experience of September 11th. Much as I did here. They were silent as they listened to my story. Every. Single. Word. They wanted to hear about that day and why this man who died was important. (Doing the math, they were 2 or less in 2001). And I will always remember sitting on my stool in the front of my classroom and going back with them.  They listened more intently that day than they did any day before or after. Because they got it. One day, in their lives, a day like September 11 will happen. And it will define their generation much like September 11 has defined mine. Life before and after will be drastically different. And I just hope and pray that they turn to the One who knows all. Is before all and is in all.

"He is before all things and in HIM all things hold together." Colossians 1:17

Random Ramblings

~I have finished the first season of the O.C. and let me tell you, I am hooked. Thanks Val and Ez for introducing me to the hilarity that is Seth Cohen and Ryan Atwood.

~Said no to a placement call yesterday. Broke my heart to do so, but my head knew the situation and age were not a good fit for my house/life. Still waiting...

~We have new neighbors next door. They have a dog that likes to chew on rocks and they got really excited to talk to me about fostering. I'm excited to get to know them more.

~I'm reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts: I'm not far in but three words have been rolling around in my brain from the beginning: Grace. Thanksgiving. Joy. I'm excited to keep going.

~My Sunday School class starts up again this week. SO ready for this. I love my class of people much wiser than I am. (Most of them are my parents age.) I learn so much. And am better about staying on my schedule when I have to be somewhere at 9:30. Just wish I had a placement to tell them about.

~It's finally not over 100 degrees outside. It's amazing how NICE it feels when the high is only 92.

~I mailed back my last Netflix disc today. Switched to streaming only. I feel like it is the end of an era...

~Forgot my cell phone at home this morning. Felt like I was missing my arm, or some other important appendage. Came home for lunch to get it. Was sure I would miss something important. I didn't. Humbling.

In two weeks I will be here:

 Doing this:

Counting the days!