It's funny how I really only want to blog when bad things happen. Or really good things. But recently life has been a lot of blah broken up by an amazing trip to Galveston and a fun Birthday celebration with my family.
I did email my case worker at Methodist. She basically said that I am at the top of the list, but CPS can see all of the families, so with a 2 day old baby they went with the stay at home mom. And I can't blame them. If I was a CPS worker, I would choose a stay at home mom over a working mom too. Especially for a newborn. Now that my expectations have been adjusted, I'm ok with this development.
So no calls. This has lead to prayerfully considering taking 2 children. Or older children. In the last 4 1/2 months I have had 1 four day placement. Which while I can't complain, it makes me wonder if I am in the right age range/ number of kids. When it comes down to it, I want a little baby. But sometimes what you want isn't what you need to do. And if you read back in my posts - fostering is not supposed to be about me!
I have been "complaining" a lot recently about how much free time I have and how hard it is. That I don't use my free time well, and I was ready to have a placement to take care of that. So God decided to give me the opportunity to babysit this weekend. And I didn't want to say yes. I had a crazy weekend last weekend, and a busy week this week, and all I wanted was a Saturday in my pajamas. But God nudged me back, and said remember all of that talk of free time not used well, Here is your chance to be a blessing to a friend who needs it. And now I am excited about my day with two sweet little boys and their older foster brother tomorrow.
But Sunday I am going to crash hard. :)
Friday, October 14, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Oh My Selfishness!
There's nothing quite like fostering to bring out everything that is sinful about you and shove it to the forefront. I am learning SO much about myself. And let me tell you I am one selfish gal. I have been waiting for three months (closing quickly in on 3 1/2 months) for a placement. I have had 5 calls. Said yes to 4 and gotten 1 4 day placement. Today I found out that my agency placed a child in my age range with a different family that got certified at least a month after I did. And the tears haven't stopped since.
It is so frustrating to have been waiting for so long, be told you are at the front of the list, and then nothing. I'm sure there are many reasons this baby went where he or she did, but right now my heart is being selfish and wishing that this baby was at MY house. Isn't it funny how easy it is to spout off beliefs about God having a plan, and trusting Him until something that seems so unfair is thrown in your face? That is where I am right now. I am seeing the selfishness and oh my stars it is ugly.
This fostering adventure isn't supposed to be about me. It's not supposed to be about what I want or need. It is about serving where I feel called. And right now, I guess I'm not needed. I feel a little lost and am planning on setting up a meeting with my case worker to try and get a grip on what my expectations should be. I had felt like several people in the office had communicated with me that I was at the "top of the list," but maybe that doesn't mean what I thought it did.
The Lord is working hard on me right now. Calling on me to trust him and if I'm totally honest, I am failing miserably. This period of waiting has made much doubt come to the forefront. Am I really supposed to be doing this? Am I crazy? Did I hear God wrong? Now I'm having to work to keep from adding the self doubt of "Why didn't they call me? Do they not think I'm good enough?" to the mix.
So I guess I just need you to pray for me. That I will hold on to what I know is true. That I will be willing to take a step back and realize that even if I never get a placement, this journey has taught me so much about myself. And so much about where I need to grow. That I will leave this fostering journey up to the One who called me to walk it in the first place.
"But I trust in your unfailing love. My heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing unto the Lord for he has been good to me." Ps 13:5-6
It is so frustrating to have been waiting for so long, be told you are at the front of the list, and then nothing. I'm sure there are many reasons this baby went where he or she did, but right now my heart is being selfish and wishing that this baby was at MY house. Isn't it funny how easy it is to spout off beliefs about God having a plan, and trusting Him until something that seems so unfair is thrown in your face? That is where I am right now. I am seeing the selfishness and oh my stars it is ugly.
This fostering adventure isn't supposed to be about me. It's not supposed to be about what I want or need. It is about serving where I feel called. And right now, I guess I'm not needed. I feel a little lost and am planning on setting up a meeting with my case worker to try and get a grip on what my expectations should be. I had felt like several people in the office had communicated with me that I was at the "top of the list," but maybe that doesn't mean what I thought it did.
The Lord is working hard on me right now. Calling on me to trust him and if I'm totally honest, I am failing miserably. This period of waiting has made much doubt come to the forefront. Am I really supposed to be doing this? Am I crazy? Did I hear God wrong? Now I'm having to work to keep from adding the self doubt of "Why didn't they call me? Do they not think I'm good enough?" to the mix.
So I guess I just need you to pray for me. That I will hold on to what I know is true. That I will be willing to take a step back and realize that even if I never get a placement, this journey has taught me so much about myself. And so much about where I need to grow. That I will leave this fostering journey up to the One who called me to walk it in the first place.
"But I trust in your unfailing love. My heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing unto the Lord for he has been good to me." Ps 13:5-6
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Remember
My brother wrote quite an eloquent post about this day here. He inspired me to think hard and remember that day 10 years ago.
10 years ago, I was in my first semester of college at HPU. I had 8am classes on most days and was sitting in Math for Elementary teachers taught by Mrs. Bird. I don't remember what we were learning about, but I know that someone came in and told her that a plane had hit the World Trade Center. We stopped and prayed. A girl asked permission to leave class, her mom was on a plane on her way to NYC that day. But once she left, with a hush of solemnity, class continued. Next I headed to Music for Children with Dr. Rosine. We learned a little more from people who were just getting to school. It wasn't one tower, it was both. And more and more trickled in. Finally at 10am, the school cancelled classes for the rest of the day.
I walked slowly back to my dorm room. There was a crowd of people gathered around the big TV in the Veda lobby. Watching the recap of the plane hitting the second tower. And the towers coming down. And my world stopped. I found my cell phone and started checking in with family. I wanted nothing more than to hear the voices of my dearest ones and know that they were ok. Talked to my sister. Talked to my brother. Couldn't get ahold of my parents for ANYTHING. They had taken an empty nest vacation up to Colorado and were out of cell phone range. I have never wanted to talk to my parents as much as I did that day.
Here I was, a month in to living on my own, and thrust into the biggest moment of history in my lifetime thus far. I was scared and nervous. And all I wanted was to hear my Dad say it was going to be ok. It was several days later before I heard their voices and even longer after that before I got the "Daddy Hug" my heart had been waiting for.
I remember having a prayer service at Mimms Auditorium and them sharing how students at the school had been directly effected by the crash. I remember a friend who's mom worked for American Airlines and how her world turned upside down and got insanely busy.
So I will remember and never forget. It's interesting how life brings up times of remembrance. On the morning after Osama BinLaden was killed, my 6th graders came in talking about it. I stopped that morning and shared with them my experience of September 11th. Much as I did here. They were silent as they listened to my story. Every. Single. Word. They wanted to hear about that day and why this man who died was important. (Doing the math, they were 2 or less in 2001). And I will always remember sitting on my stool in the front of my classroom and going back with them. They listened more intently that day than they did any day before or after. Because they got it. One day, in their lives, a day like September 11 will happen. And it will define their generation much like September 11 has defined mine. Life before and after will be drastically different. And I just hope and pray that they turn to the One who knows all. Is before all and is in all.
"He is before all things and in HIM all things hold together." Colossians 1:17
10 years ago, I was in my first semester of college at HPU. I had 8am classes on most days and was sitting in Math for Elementary teachers taught by Mrs. Bird. I don't remember what we were learning about, but I know that someone came in and told her that a plane had hit the World Trade Center. We stopped and prayed. A girl asked permission to leave class, her mom was on a plane on her way to NYC that day. But once she left, with a hush of solemnity, class continued. Next I headed to Music for Children with Dr. Rosine. We learned a little more from people who were just getting to school. It wasn't one tower, it was both. And more and more trickled in. Finally at 10am, the school cancelled classes for the rest of the day.
I walked slowly back to my dorm room. There was a crowd of people gathered around the big TV in the Veda lobby. Watching the recap of the plane hitting the second tower. And the towers coming down. And my world stopped. I found my cell phone and started checking in with family. I wanted nothing more than to hear the voices of my dearest ones and know that they were ok. Talked to my sister. Talked to my brother. Couldn't get ahold of my parents for ANYTHING. They had taken an empty nest vacation up to Colorado and were out of cell phone range. I have never wanted to talk to my parents as much as I did that day.
Here I was, a month in to living on my own, and thrust into the biggest moment of history in my lifetime thus far. I was scared and nervous. And all I wanted was to hear my Dad say it was going to be ok. It was several days later before I heard their voices and even longer after that before I got the "Daddy Hug" my heart had been waiting for.
I remember having a prayer service at Mimms Auditorium and them sharing how students at the school had been directly effected by the crash. I remember a friend who's mom worked for American Airlines and how her world turned upside down and got insanely busy.
So I will remember and never forget. It's interesting how life brings up times of remembrance. On the morning after Osama BinLaden was killed, my 6th graders came in talking about it. I stopped that morning and shared with them my experience of September 11th. Much as I did here. They were silent as they listened to my story. Every. Single. Word. They wanted to hear about that day and why this man who died was important. (Doing the math, they were 2 or less in 2001). And I will always remember sitting on my stool in the front of my classroom and going back with them. They listened more intently that day than they did any day before or after. Because they got it. One day, in their lives, a day like September 11 will happen. And it will define their generation much like September 11 has defined mine. Life before and after will be drastically different. And I just hope and pray that they turn to the One who knows all. Is before all and is in all.
"He is before all things and in HIM all things hold together." Colossians 1:17
Friday, September 9, 2011
Random Ramblings
~I have finished the first season of the O.C. and let me tell you, I am hooked. Thanks Val and Ez for introducing me to the hilarity that is Seth Cohen and Ryan Atwood.
~Said no to a placement call yesterday. Broke my heart to do so, but my head knew the situation and age were not a good fit for my house/life. Still waiting...
~We have new neighbors next door. They have a dog that likes to chew on rocks and they got really excited to talk to me about fostering. I'm excited to get to know them more.
~I'm reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts: I'm not far in but three words have been rolling around in my brain from the beginning: Grace. Thanksgiving. Joy. I'm excited to keep going.
~My Sunday School class starts up again this week. SO ready for this. I love my class of people much wiser than I am. (Most of them are my parents age.) I learn so much. And am better about staying on my schedule when I have to be somewhere at 9:30. Just wish I had a placement to tell them about.
~It's finally not over 100 degrees outside. It's amazing how NICE it feels when the high is only 92.
~I mailed back my last Netflix disc today. Switched to streaming only. I feel like it is the end of an era...
~Forgot my cell phone at home this morning. Felt like I was missing my arm, or some other important appendage. Came home for lunch to get it. Was sure I would miss something important. I didn't. Humbling.
In two weeks I will be here:
Doing this:
Counting the days!
Saturday, August 20, 2011
So fast!
It's hard to believe that at this time last week I was getting a little boy ready for bed. We were taking a bath, putting on puppy dog pajamas and reading books. And this week I am pondering dinner and what movie to watch while (finally) hanging some things up on the walls in my room. Hard to believe that Little Man went to a different foster home after only 4 days at my house. There are so many things I want to remember.
1) He LOVED books. Especially Gallop. He would sit and look at it for long periods of time which was pretty much a miracle. We read at least 3 books before bed every night.
2) The freezer box left over from the move was the greatest thing to play with ever. He would take his flashlight (his second favorite toy) inside and shine it on the walls. He would pull the flaps in and wave "Bye" as he closed the doors. So CUTE!
3) He loved to snuggle. If he was tired, unsure, scared, you name it, he would come to you arms up and just lay his head on your shoulder. In the middle of the night when he was unsure, I would get him out of bed and rock him back and forth and pray for him with his sweet head snuggled on my shoulder.
4) He was smart. In his 4 days hear, he started pointing at me and calling me Jo, knew Zoeys name, could open and close all of the doors. (YIKES) and many more things. As he was getting comfortable, his personality was coming out as were new words daily.
5) You could tell when he was done eating because he would hold food in his mouth and refuse to chew or swallow. It usually take a finger swipe to get the food out. So frustrating at first, but it definitely got better over time.
I know there are many more things about placement #1 I am forgetting to write here. He profoundly affected my life in the 4 days he was here. I am so thankful I said yes to the placement, even though it was not what I had planned for. My mom got to come and meet him. She was going to be coming and her visit happened to coincide with the 4 days he was here. She was here when he left as well. I found out at 5:15 he was leaving and they came to get him at 6:30.
I have been pondering a verse to have painted to hang in the Baby room at the house. I have had many go through my mind and my heart and the one that sticks is this:
The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Psalm 121:7-8
This is my prayer for all the foster babies that come through my house. That the Lord will keep them from harm. That he will watch over their lives and their comings and goings from my house and where ever they go after here. That he will watch over them. I know that placement #2 will be just as precious and special as #1. Just totally different. I'm excited to see how that plays out and I will continue to pray these verses. Over the kiddo that just left and the many more that are to come. Because I have a God who cares and who watches over both their lives and mine now and forevermore.
1) He LOVED books. Especially Gallop. He would sit and look at it for long periods of time which was pretty much a miracle. We read at least 3 books before bed every night.
2) The freezer box left over from the move was the greatest thing to play with ever. He would take his flashlight (his second favorite toy) inside and shine it on the walls. He would pull the flaps in and wave "Bye" as he closed the doors. So CUTE!
3) He loved to snuggle. If he was tired, unsure, scared, you name it, he would come to you arms up and just lay his head on your shoulder. In the middle of the night when he was unsure, I would get him out of bed and rock him back and forth and pray for him with his sweet head snuggled on my shoulder.
4) He was smart. In his 4 days hear, he started pointing at me and calling me Jo, knew Zoeys name, could open and close all of the doors. (YIKES) and many more things. As he was getting comfortable, his personality was coming out as were new words daily.
5) You could tell when he was done eating because he would hold food in his mouth and refuse to chew or swallow. It usually take a finger swipe to get the food out. So frustrating at first, but it definitely got better over time.
I know there are many more things about placement #1 I am forgetting to write here. He profoundly affected my life in the 4 days he was here. I am so thankful I said yes to the placement, even though it was not what I had planned for. My mom got to come and meet him. She was going to be coming and her visit happened to coincide with the 4 days he was here. She was here when he left as well. I found out at 5:15 he was leaving and they came to get him at 6:30.
I have been pondering a verse to have painted to hang in the Baby room at the house. I have had many go through my mind and my heart and the one that sticks is this:
The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Psalm 121:7-8
This is my prayer for all the foster babies that come through my house. That the Lord will keep them from harm. That he will watch over their lives and their comings and goings from my house and where ever they go after here. That he will watch over them. I know that placement #2 will be just as precious and special as #1. Just totally different. I'm excited to see how that plays out and I will continue to pray these verses. Over the kiddo that just left and the many more that are to come. Because I have a God who cares and who watches over both their lives and mine now and forevermore.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I should be sleeping...
I have a story for you. This afternoon I went to Chick-Fil-A Thursday with some fabulous friends. I then headed to drop off some prescriptions at Walgreens and was foiled by the long lines at both the drive thru and inside. On my drive from Walgreens to work, I remembered that I had put my phone on silent that morning and had never turned the sound back on. I thought "Wouldn't it be funny if Methodist had called me with a baby and I hadn't heard it because it was on silent." I took out my phone and checked it, and they actually had called!
My hands shook a little bit as I called back. I wavered between excited and nervous. They answered and said that they had a one year old needing placement. My heart sank. The plan was a baby. Little. Use the bouncy seat and bottles. But after two months of waiting do I say no? I expressed my concern and they told me that they had other families they could call. I told them to check with them and then let me know if no one else would take him. I promptly called my mom. (What else is a 28 year old gal to do?!?)
I asked her to pray. That I would know what to say if they called me back. She said "If they call you back, I think you know what God's answer is." I knew she was right. They called back and I said yes.
At 6:30 tonight a sweet, little boy entered my house. His eyes were red with tears. One of the first things out of the case workers mouth was, "He cried a lot when m-o-m left." We found out that he might be 1 but in reality he is 21 months old. Almost two. And never what I would have asked for. We took a trip to Walmart to get food. I definitely didn't have whole milk at the house for him. Got some toddler friendly meal options. Stopped to meet some dear friends. Once we got home, we watched a Veggie Tales and then it was time for bed. The case worker had said to not expect much sleep and to not expect for him to go to bed easily. But this little man set out to prove her wrong! He laid down in his bed when I put him down and I haven't heard a peep from him since.
Little Man is so sweet. He can high five with the best of them. He loves goldfish. He has words that we will get to learn over the next weeks. I'm thankful to be a place for him to stay for however long is necessary.
I should be sleeping in case he wakes up and is scared, but my brain is running WAY to many miles per hour to sleep. So now that this is done and his story is preserved for all of internet-dom, maybe sleep will come. But I do know this. I am going to sit and reflect on the great things God has done. And pray for the sweet little boy sleeping down the hall. And for his family. That the Lord's will will be done in their lives. Because that is what is most important of all.
My hands shook a little bit as I called back. I wavered between excited and nervous. They answered and said that they had a one year old needing placement. My heart sank. The plan was a baby. Little. Use the bouncy seat and bottles. But after two months of waiting do I say no? I expressed my concern and they told me that they had other families they could call. I told them to check with them and then let me know if no one else would take him. I promptly called my mom. (What else is a 28 year old gal to do?!?)
I asked her to pray. That I would know what to say if they called me back. She said "If they call you back, I think you know what God's answer is." I knew she was right. They called back and I said yes.
At 6:30 tonight a sweet, little boy entered my house. His eyes were red with tears. One of the first things out of the case workers mouth was, "He cried a lot when m-o-m left." We found out that he might be 1 but in reality he is 21 months old. Almost two. And never what I would have asked for. We took a trip to Walmart to get food. I definitely didn't have whole milk at the house for him. Got some toddler friendly meal options. Stopped to meet some dear friends. Once we got home, we watched a Veggie Tales and then it was time for bed. The case worker had said to not expect much sleep and to not expect for him to go to bed easily. But this little man set out to prove her wrong! He laid down in his bed when I put him down and I haven't heard a peep from him since.
Little Man is so sweet. He can high five with the best of them. He loves goldfish. He has words that we will get to learn over the next weeks. I'm thankful to be a place for him to stay for however long is necessary.
I should be sleeping in case he wakes up and is scared, but my brain is running WAY to many miles per hour to sleep. So now that this is done and his story is preserved for all of internet-dom, maybe sleep will come. But I do know this. I am going to sit and reflect on the great things God has done. And pray for the sweet little boy sleeping down the hall. And for his family. That the Lord's will will be done in their lives. Because that is what is most important of all.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
This is Not our Home
I have had a song playing on repeat in my iPod, my mind, and my heart for three weeks now. Laura Story’s Blessings was played at church on a Sunday when I desperately needed to hear it. The whole song is incredible, but there have been two sections that have been rolling through my thoughts over and over.
First:
When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
Second:
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?
I have seen some of my friends go through some rough stuff over the few weeks. One friend had a miscarriage late in pregnancy. For the second time this year. Another set of friends had to say goodbye to a foster baby that they wanted nothing more than to add to their family. And just this morning, I found out that a friend has now lost his mother in law and father in law in the last week. My. Heart. Aches.
My comfort comes in the reminder that this is not our home. That there is something beyond this world filled with pain and hurt. That one day the pain will be gone. The hurt will be gone. And better than that, Jesus will be there. So I pray for my friends. And live with the hope that this is not the end. That this is not our home.
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