Choosing to SEE

I have spent quite a few hours over the past few days reading Mary Beth Chapman's Choosing to See: A Journey of Struggle and Hope. I finished it this morning with tears filling my eyes as she openly shares about their struggles. And how even 2 years later all she wants is Maria back. Something that she mentions throughout the book (specifically the 2nd half after Maria dies) is that this is hard, and as a family, with God's help, they can do hard.  Her brutal honesty and refusal to sugar coat what they are going through has profoundly affected me.

Life is hard.  My life has NOTHING going on in it that is remotely relatable to the pain her family is feeling at losing Maria. I have felt pain and loss, but cannot even begin to think about the pain her family is experiencing.  My tendency with pain is to shove it under the rug. Push through. Keep moving until the pain goes away. Or is buried so deep I don't think about it anymore. But the reality is the pain comes back. Harder. Stronger. And only by the grace of God holding your hand do you make it through.

My life is changing. I'm working through a process to get a child into my life who needs a place for hope. A place of love. And I have no doubt when that baby leaves, to go back to his/her parents or to an adoptive home, I will hurt. More than I can probably imagine right now.  But does that mean I shouldn't do this thing that I feel the Lord clearly calling me to? No. Life is hard. Pain is ever present. But we have to choose to SEE. SEE the Lord in every moment that I have that sweet child with me. SEE Him in every moment I miss them when they are gone. SEE him in the mundane every day tasks.

So I'm going to start now. Start looking for Him. Start choosing to SEE.

Side By Side

I love living life side by side with people. Seeing the good, the bad, and the ugly. But it isn't always easy. Recently I was reminded of while this aspect of my life is great, it isn't always simple.  We had some wonderful highs at the end of this week.  My roommate turned 26. A couple of my friends had their first child, a precious boy. A friend's foster baby's mom came to church for the second time.

But it was a week of the lowest lows.  The new baby had to go into the NICU. Another friend is watching her sister succumb to cancer that she has been fighting for many years.  And my heart hurts.  When you celebrate and rejoice in the highs, you also hurt and weep in the lows.

And I see how God has made us to have this community.  I know as I pray for my friend watching her sister die, that she would be doing the same for me.  I know as I go up to the hospital to visit my friends, even knowing I won't meet their precious baby boy, that they would do the same for me.  That when one of us hurts, we all hurt. But when one of us rejoices, we all rejoice.

People have asked me if I have thought about moving closer to my family. And the answer is yes, I have thought about it.  But when it comes down to it, I can't imagine embarking on this new journey without this community. Without these people to call when I want to pull my hair out. When I am exhausted because the baby is sick. When I don't know why the baby is doing this or that.

I had no idea when God brought me here 5 years ago that I would make such amazing friends. That my life would be so full. Of happiness. Of heart ache. Of Fear. Of Joy. But it is worth it. As I live in community with these friends. Side by Side.

Living Sacrificially

Well, it's been almost a year since I have posted. And this is a long one. :) I realized last spring that all I really did was whine on my blog, and that it wasn't healthy for me and really, who wants to read that? So I stopped. But life isn't quite as hard right now. Each day isn't as challenging. My job isn't easy by any stretch of the imagination, but I don't wake up each day praying I have a temperature so I can justify staying home sick.

As I have been walking through this Fall, I've been thinking about how "easy" my life is. I have challenges sure. (What on earth do I do to get that one class to understand what I'm talking about?!?) However as a whole, I don't feel that I live sacrificially. There isn't a whole lot about my life that is uncomfortable.

My roommate and I were talking about my desire to be foster parenting by the time I'm 30.  I had this list of things to get done before then. (Travel, Buy a House, etc) As we were talking I realized how I wasn't sure I was supposed to wait that long.  We talked a lot. And we came to the conclusion that we both wanted to do this. And we didn't think that we should wait until we weren't living together anymore.

Tuesday of this week I emailed a local foster parenting agency that had been recommended to me by some friends who are foster parenting. I wanted to make sure it was a possibility for us to do this living in the same house and not against some rules somewhere. I was putting my dreams out there and waiting for an answer.

Today the answer came. It was a YES! Only one of us can be licensed (me), but I don't have to wait to be able to afford to live by myself. I was so excited. It feels so good to have this dream be within reach.  We jumped up and down and squealed a little. Ok a lot. I'm SO excited. And scared. And overwhelmed. But mostly excited.

We won't be able to start until next fall. We are stuck in our apartment lease until the end of summer, and it would be really expensive to break it.  The current plan is to do all of the training in the summer so that when we move in August, all we will have to do is the home inspection and fire inspection on the new house and start soon thereafter.

So you can pray for me. That I enjoy these next months of singleness and freedom.  That I work hard to prayerfully prepare for this.  That I hold this dream loosely so that if it isn't what God wants that I will be ok with it. But for now, I'm embracing excited.

It's Back

And not in a good way.

The day to day, seriously I don't want to get out of bed and deal with hooligans, is back. I had a good run of days of "Yes. I can do this. This is possible. I don't hate my life." But two days of devilish kids and seriously, I'm toast. All the other teachers have told me that it only gets worse from here. And I believe them. I am ready to poke my eye out. Well, pray for the rapture at least. Heaven is better than this for sure.

And so I battle. With the feeling of failure. That I am failing these kids. That if only I believed in them a little more. Had a little more patience. Was more creative with discipline/rewards. If only these things were true I would not be feeling this way right now.

Now I pray. I moved my morning wake up time up by 30 minutes. I spend time on my face before the Lord praying for love for these kids. Specifically by name the really tough ones to love. That God would somehow manage to love these kids through me. Because goodness knows I cannot do it on my own.

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never lat the righteous fall." Psalm 55:22

Long Time, No Update

I've made an effort to be more positive in life. This has led to less blogging. Because venting is what blogging is made for right? But life really isn't as bad as I make it out to be sometimes. Hard yes. But bad, not really.

I'm learning a lot about hard right now. While managing my time at work has gotten easier, the teaching has not. Figuring out how to reach the kids has not. I have no idea how to motivate people who do not appear to care at all. Yesterday I sent a kid outside to work so that I wouldn't bite his head off (I was really close.) I am so unworthy of this job. I daily pray for the Lord to give me a heart for these kids. And to know how to reach them.

On a happier note, I have a new friend! One of my old coworkers from Pine Cove and his wife had another baby last Wednesday and she is precious. I can't wait to spend more time with her! So really my life has evolved to trying to survive each week and do the best I can and squeezing in as much time with friends as I can (while still keeping my introverted self sane.)

Back to a weekend of enjoying life. And watching some tv. And possibly cleaning some. Laundry will have to wait until the washing machine gets fixed on Monday. But if that is the worst thing I have to deal with, I think I am doing all right.

Contentment

Over the course of the last day or so, this has been rolling around in my brain. My family was in town this weekend, and it took everything in me to not make it a giant vent fest. I mean there was a lot of venting, but the more the weekend progressed, the more convicted I was to STOP. My life right now is hard.

I'm a perfectionist who doesn't feel like she is good at what she does.

I don't get to hang out with my friends during the week because I go to bed at 10pm.

I struggle with knowing what the heck I'm supposed to do with my life.

I don't spend nearly enough time with the Lord.

I am surrounded by people who LOVE what they do, and I want that for myself.

But here's the thing I realized. I am so lucky. I have a job that pays really well. I don't have to worry about going out to eat occasionally, or even buying new clothes from my favorite stores. I have amazing friends who will hang out whenever I can and still call even if they know I'm probably going to say no to whatever is going on that particular evening. I have a crazy supportive and helpful staff where I work. I have so much going for me and still I struggle. With being content. And happy. Right where I am. So I'm going to start trying to be more thankful. For me and my overly-pessimistic self, this is going to be tough, but I'm going to make an effort.

I'm going to strive for joy and peace in the midst of (what feels like) trials.

And at the very least try to not yell at my 4th period class...

"I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:12b-13

A Journey

Oh there are many things in my life that qualify as a journey. My new world of teaching - definitely a journey. Living in town and making new friends at work - another one. But the one at the forefront of my mind is my journey to find a new church home. I loved my old church. It has amazing people at it and while I was working at my old job (where many of my spiritual needs were met) it suited perfectly. But as I left that job and it's regular Bible Studies, weekly chapels, and Christian fellowship, I realized that I needed something different.

My needs for a church had changed. And my church had not.

So I let the minister I was closest to know and off I went in search of a new place to develop relationships, serve, and find friends. It has been and adventure of a summer and I am down to two different places that I enjoy for totally different reasons.

This morning's service at one of those churches was incredible. I enjoyed the worship through song and teaching. So I am waiting and seeing. I'm going to finish this sermon series and then go through a whole sermon series at the other church. Or maybe God will tell me what He wants me to do before then. I don't know. But I do know this: This journey had been fun. And challenging. I am excited about seeing where I end up. And hopefully there will be some more adventures along the way.