Sometimes it is hard to write out all that is going on. I am in the midst of a time of extreme blessing and extreme hardship. Ok extreme probably isn't the correct word, but seriously, it feels that way sometimes.
On March 12, a precious newborn little girl came to live at my house! My dream placement. Granted, I was nervous about working while not sleeping at night, but overall, I was OVERJOYED. Blessing y'all. Total blessing.
On March 14, I went to work expecting a normal day and was home by 10:30am, jobless. That's right. My employer needed to redirect my position, I wasn't a good fit, and therefore, I was let go. It was a mutual decision and probably best for me in the long run. However, there is nothing easy about losing one's job.
Blessing - I have gotten to stay at home and take care of this sweet baby girl for two weeks. It has been wonderful. Not to mention, getting up in the middle of the night is infinitely easier when you don't have to work the next day.
Hardship - I have NO idea what I should do with the rest of my life. I want this next career path to be one that can stick. I'm weary of the change every two years. I'm weary of going to work and not loving what I do. Being passionate about it. I know the Lord has good plans for me but I have no idea what they are.
Another single foster mom said this on her blog today and it hit me between the eyes:
"The truth is, for me your trials may be easier or harder, but they wouldn't make me look more like Christ. And my trials might be easier or harder for you to handle, but that is not what will make you look more like Christ. He is glorified in our weakness, so of course our trials are going to bring out what is weakest in us, but this is for our good. Our trials are specifically chosen for us by our Creator who knows what is best for us, in order that we may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing and that He may get the glory for it."
God is pushing me to look more like him. Thankfully, I have been wise financially, so I don't have to rush out and find a job RIGHT THIS SECOND. I have some time. However, I don't necessarily want to just sit around and do nothing. I have to take steps in the right direction. So I am going to have to start making some goals. Because life with a newborn makes it awfully easy to reach the end of the day and have done NOTHING other than feed, change and snuggle a baby. And while there is nothing wrong with that, it doesn't pay the bills or put food on the table when time runs out.
May this trial make me more like Jesus. And may I move forward with finding what HE has for me today. And tomorrow. And forever.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
On Saying No
Got a text yesterday:
"Would you consider taking sisters? 18 months old and 7 months old."
The heart thumping started. The response "Umm... thinking hard. Tell me more." Got some more info made a couple of phone calls (involving the phrase, "Am I crazy?") and felt clearly - the answer was no. Later that day I walked into my boss's office and said, "You'll be glad to know, there is a limit to my fostering craziness."
6 months ago, saying no to two little girls would have never crossed my mind. Then came the month of weekly (sometimes daily) doctor visits with placement #3. And through that experience I realized my limitations. Having two on a day-to-day, at my house/ in day care, we are all healthy basis doesn't overwhelm me. But when I think about dealing with two kiddos worth of appointments, I get queasy. And them passing the inevitable day care colds back and forth. Add to that finding day care for two. And babysitters who are approved AND don't already have enough kids that two puts them over the limit and I have to realize my limitations. I am doing this as a single, working girl. And as much as I want to do it all. I can't.
So I have almost 100% decided that I will only take one placement. The exception would come if there were two and one of them was non-mobile. Even then that would be pushing it. When I initially said no to placement #3, there was a feeling of utter disgust. A feeling of "this is the worst decision I have ever made. Ever." With this situation, none of that. More of a sense of relief that I didn't have two kids descending upon my house that evening. Several times last night, the roommate and I would look at each other and say - we didn't get two kids today! And sigh great sighs of relief.
Life shouldn't all be based on feelings, but at the same time it is nice when the feeling gets on board with the decision your brain and faith told you to make. I'm waiting patiently for the phone to ring and take me on my next adventure with #4. I will do respite for some kiddos along the way, and rejoice whenever the time comes for one who is here for longer. Another face in the fostering joy photo album. Another child who will forever live in my heart.
Here's to saying no, so that when I say yes, it is the best situation for me AND placement #4!
"Would you consider taking sisters? 18 months old and 7 months old."
The heart thumping started. The response "Umm... thinking hard. Tell me more." Got some more info made a couple of phone calls (involving the phrase, "Am I crazy?") and felt clearly - the answer was no. Later that day I walked into my boss's office and said, "You'll be glad to know, there is a limit to my fostering craziness."
6 months ago, saying no to two little girls would have never crossed my mind. Then came the month of weekly (sometimes daily) doctor visits with placement #3. And through that experience I realized my limitations. Having two on a day-to-day, at my house/ in day care, we are all healthy basis doesn't overwhelm me. But when I think about dealing with two kiddos worth of appointments, I get queasy. And them passing the inevitable day care colds back and forth. Add to that finding day care for two. And babysitters who are approved AND don't already have enough kids that two puts them over the limit and I have to realize my limitations. I am doing this as a single, working girl. And as much as I want to do it all. I can't.
So I have almost 100% decided that I will only take one placement. The exception would come if there were two and one of them was non-mobile. Even then that would be pushing it. When I initially said no to placement #3, there was a feeling of utter disgust. A feeling of "this is the worst decision I have ever made. Ever." With this situation, none of that. More of a sense of relief that I didn't have two kids descending upon my house that evening. Several times last night, the roommate and I would look at each other and say - we didn't get two kids today! And sigh great sighs of relief.
Life shouldn't all be based on feelings, but at the same time it is nice when the feeling gets on board with the decision your brain and faith told you to make. I'm waiting patiently for the phone to ring and take me on my next adventure with #4. I will do respite for some kiddos along the way, and rejoice whenever the time comes for one who is here for longer. Another face in the fostering joy photo album. Another child who will forever live in my heart.
Here's to saying no, so that when I say yes, it is the best situation for me AND placement #4!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Complicated Brings Perspective
Things with #3 have gotten rather complicated. Between her being a voluntary placement, visits with a family member every other weekend and the fact she has been not sick for about 24 hours in the last month, I. Am. Weary.
#3 is such a joy. Y'all she is the cutest, sweetest, most precious little girl and I LOVE getting to spend time with her. I don't love the middle of the night wake up calls. The constant wondering if she is sick enough to go to the doctor or if we should just wait it out or how long she will be living at my house.
I have this feeling in my gut that #3 won't be with us much longer. And the more I learn about the situation, I don't think that is a bad thing. But my heart is already breaking at the thought of this precious little girl not being in my life anymore. (Let me be clear - No one at my agency or anywhere has said she will be leaving soon. It's just a feeling that I have, which could be entirely inaccurate.)
Yesterday I was struggling with the thought that she would possibly be leaving soon. One of my favorite places, Pine Cove, posted a verse on their Facebook page:
Talk about getting smacked between the eyes. Trust Him ABSOLUTELY. Was I really doing this with #3?
#3 is such a joy. Y'all she is the cutest, sweetest, most precious little girl and I LOVE getting to spend time with her. I don't love the middle of the night wake up calls. The constant wondering if she is sick enough to go to the doctor or if we should just wait it out or how long she will be living at my house.
I have this feeling in my gut that #3 won't be with us much longer. And the more I learn about the situation, I don't think that is a bad thing. But my heart is already breaking at the thought of this precious little girl not being in my life anymore. (Let me be clear - No one at my agency or anywhere has said she will be leaving soon. It's just a feeling that I have, which could be entirely inaccurate.)
Yesterday I was struggling with the thought that she would possibly be leaving soon. One of my favorite places, Pine Cove, posted a verse on their Facebook page:
So trust him absolutely, people;
lay your lives on the line for him.
God is a safe place to be.
Psalm 62:8 (The Message)
Last night as we were up from 2:00-2:30am, instead of my usual longing to be asleep - I prayed. While I rocked this sweet little girl, I prayed for her family. For her life. For me to treasure every remaining second she is in my care. This morning as she was a total grump from not going to sleep quickly then being up in the middle of the night, I treasured every snuggle into my shoulder. And didn't feel my normal annoyance at having to pack my lunch, and get out the door while holding a clingy toddler.
Complicated in this case brought me some bigger perspective. My days with #3 are numbered. My days in general are numbered. Am I making them count?
Right now I am soaking up every snuggle. Every giggle. Every "Nana" (As close as she can get to my name). Every please and cup of milk have become a treasure to be filed away and never forgotten. If you get a chance, can you join me in praying for #3? That everyone involved in her case would be granted wisdom. And that the best decision would be made for her. If that means leaving my care, that I will be ok with it. It if means she stays, that I will rejoice in each moment I have to train and teach her. Thank you dear friends!
Friday, January 13, 2012
Brokenness
Yesterday I posted the following status to my facebook page:
When you get slapped in the face with the brokenness of this world, your heart hurts. And I'm reminded - this is not my home.
It has been a wonderful 3 1/2 weeks with placement #3. She is a sweet, precious 15 month old and I have LOVED having her around. My life has been shifted into two segments - Thinks I can do while baby is awake and things I have to do while baby is asleep. She got a cold this past week and it was the saddest thing to see. She's slowly getting better, but I feel like we have a ways to go.
Found out on Wednesday that #3 was having a court date yesterday. And the more I learned about the situation, the more I was struck with how broken this family is. My heart hurt for them. They all love #3 and want her to be a part of their lives, but how that should look is totally convoluted and twisted and hard. Something that should be a rock and guarantee - family - is not present in this case. And it made my heart ache.
I am so thankful for Jesus. For hope in the midst of pain. For knowing that He loves #3 AND HER FAMILY way more than I ever could. #3 is staying with me, for now. The situation was worked out to a great compromise for everyone involved. And now I'm just praying for Mom to finish getting her life together so #3 can go home.
Fostering opens your eyes to brokenness. You can't ignore it. Sometimes you get used to it and even calloused to it, but then days like yesterday come. And the callouses are torn off and removed. And your heart just aches for a world that is so lost. I wrote one of my friends - It makes me want Jesus to come back. So we can be done with all of this brokenness.
But until that day I will keep loving on these babies, and loving on these families as much as I can. With hope that my love will point them to a love SO much bigger than me. A love that will never leave them or forsake them. A love that will give them hope and peace. A Savior who will show them grace.
Because HE is the reason I hope. And trust. And can deal with the brokenness. Even when it makes my heart hurt.
When you get slapped in the face with the brokenness of this world, your heart hurts. And I'm reminded - this is not my home.
It has been a wonderful 3 1/2 weeks with placement #3. She is a sweet, precious 15 month old and I have LOVED having her around. My life has been shifted into two segments - Thinks I can do while baby is awake and things I have to do while baby is asleep. She got a cold this past week and it was the saddest thing to see. She's slowly getting better, but I feel like we have a ways to go.
Found out on Wednesday that #3 was having a court date yesterday. And the more I learned about the situation, the more I was struck with how broken this family is. My heart hurt for them. They all love #3 and want her to be a part of their lives, but how that should look is totally convoluted and twisted and hard. Something that should be a rock and guarantee - family - is not present in this case. And it made my heart ache.
I am so thankful for Jesus. For hope in the midst of pain. For knowing that He loves #3 AND HER FAMILY way more than I ever could. #3 is staying with me, for now. The situation was worked out to a great compromise for everyone involved. And now I'm just praying for Mom to finish getting her life together so #3 can go home.
Fostering opens your eyes to brokenness. You can't ignore it. Sometimes you get used to it and even calloused to it, but then days like yesterday come. And the callouses are torn off and removed. And your heart just aches for a world that is so lost. I wrote one of my friends - It makes me want Jesus to come back. So we can be done with all of this brokenness.
But until that day I will keep loving on these babies, and loving on these families as much as I can. With hope that my love will point them to a love SO much bigger than me. A love that will never leave them or forsake them. A love that will give them hope and peace. A Savior who will show them grace.
Because HE is the reason I hope. And trust. And can deal with the brokenness. Even when it makes my heart hurt.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Thankful: November 28-30
Wow! I've actually managed to blog semi-regularly in the month of November. Maybe I can keep this up in the months to come.
November 28 - My Bible Study Group
I've already been thankful for BSF, and the discipline it is requiring of me is so good, but this one is a little different. I've only met with them twice, but this group of women is incredible. I am challenged and encouraged by them every week. I shared how work had been difficult and I had several come up and ask me what I did, and how they could pray for me. I was so honored. I love how diverse the group is and how honest!
November 29 - Spotify
Totally superficial, but I LOVE spotify. It allows me to listen to music at work without having to run the battery down on my phone. I can test albums to see if I want to actually own them. I can take advantage of my friends music taste that is much better than mine (Thanks Val for your public lists. :)) And best of all the app can be controlled by the music controls on the top row of my keyboard. When the phone rings at work, I can simply push the pause button and answer. I have enjoyed this app far more than I would have guessed.
November 30 - Community
Recently I have: Had a friend bring me lunch at the office because I was having a terrible day and hadn't gotten to eat yet. She made me a sandwich and brought it to me at work, loading her 4 kids in the car to do so. Taken crackers and ginger ale to a friend who had a stomach bug. Had multiple friends a) love on placement #2 then b) check on me and how I am doing when placement #2 left so quickly.
Today I have: Scheduled a lunch date for tomorrow with a friend I haven't gotten to sit and talk to in awhile. Set up a meeting with a friend to talk about decorating my office at work (After 4 months, I'm tired of staring at blank walls.) Gotten an email about a freezer cooking day that I have been invited to join (which will hopefully keep me from eating out quite so much).
Y'all I am so blessed by this community that is surrounding me. I could never have predicted this when I moved to Tyler in 2005. God has provided more than I could have ever asked or imagined. It is a fitting way to end this thankful list. This community makes me a better Joanna. A better friend. A better sister. A better daughter. A better follower of Jesus.
And for that I am so thankful.
November 28 - My Bible Study Group
I've already been thankful for BSF, and the discipline it is requiring of me is so good, but this one is a little different. I've only met with them twice, but this group of women is incredible. I am challenged and encouraged by them every week. I shared how work had been difficult and I had several come up and ask me what I did, and how they could pray for me. I was so honored. I love how diverse the group is and how honest!
November 29 - Spotify
Totally superficial, but I LOVE spotify. It allows me to listen to music at work without having to run the battery down on my phone. I can test albums to see if I want to actually own them. I can take advantage of my friends music taste that is much better than mine (Thanks Val for your public lists. :)) And best of all the app can be controlled by the music controls on the top row of my keyboard. When the phone rings at work, I can simply push the pause button and answer. I have enjoyed this app far more than I would have guessed.
November 30 - Community
Recently I have: Had a friend bring me lunch at the office because I was having a terrible day and hadn't gotten to eat yet. She made me a sandwich and brought it to me at work, loading her 4 kids in the car to do so. Taken crackers and ginger ale to a friend who had a stomach bug. Had multiple friends a) love on placement #2 then b) check on me and how I am doing when placement #2 left so quickly.
Today I have: Scheduled a lunch date for tomorrow with a friend I haven't gotten to sit and talk to in awhile. Set up a meeting with a friend to talk about decorating my office at work (After 4 months, I'm tired of staring at blank walls.) Gotten an email about a freezer cooking day that I have been invited to join (which will hopefully keep me from eating out quite so much).
Y'all I am so blessed by this community that is surrounding me. I could never have predicted this when I moved to Tyler in 2005. God has provided more than I could have ever asked or imagined. It is a fitting way to end this thankful list. This community makes me a better Joanna. A better friend. A better sister. A better daughter. A better follower of Jesus.
And for that I am so thankful.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Thankful: November 22-27
A special thankful week! The actual week of Thanksgiving!
November 22 - My Mom
Y'all, today was a hard day. Missing #2 a ton. And work exploded. As in called my mom at lunch crying, exploded. Ugly cried. Really ugly cried. My mom listened to me on the phone, was patient, and helped me come to several realizations. I'm taking a month "off" from fostering. Took my house off the list until January while I get some things worked out and figured out. The first couple of weeks you have kiddos are hard with all of the appointments and other things that you have to take care of, and I don't seem to get kids for more than a week. I need to take the time to focus on getting my job under control and then be ready to welcome more kiddos into my home. My mom helped me come to that conclusion and was supportive. Like she always is. She is the first person I call about so many things. Calls about placements, life falling apart, etc.
November 23 - Transportation
Left after work was over to drive home for the Holiday. So thankful for a car that runs (most of the time) that is paid off and isn't a crazy huge gas guzzler. I may complain about the Rendezvous, but it gets me where I need to go.
November 24 - Family
I have an awesome family. Thanksgiving is THE family holiday on my Dad's side and this year was an on year. We were only missing 3 of the 11 cousins! Throw in spouses and kids and there were 31 people at my Uncle Roger and Aunt Tyra's house for Thanksgiving dinner. It was a blast. So fun to catch up and eat good food and just share. So many of them wanted to hear about my fostering journey and it was great to get to share with them!
November 25 - Restaurants
I love a good home cooked meal, but when life is busy, you can't beat the convenience of restaurants! We went to lunch at North Side Hamburgers and Mom and Dad picked up Coopers BBQ on their way home from a funeral. Good food was had by all. And there weren't any dishes to mess with either. :) This allowed for time to decorate the outside of parents house for Christmas since we knew the weather would be getting cold. I think it was a success:
November 26 - Home
It finally got COLD. I was so thankful to have a warm place to be and I did not venture outside of that warm place all day long. I love that it is FINALLY where we aren't supposed to have any days in the 70s for a whole week! (I'll believe it when it actually happens, but at least it is on the forecast at this point.)
November 27 - Christmas!
I LOVE CHRISTMAS! The music. The joy. The celebration. I spent 5 1/2 hours in the car listening to my favorite Christmas hits and spent the evening decorating the house for the season. As usual, our house looks like a Christmas store exploded, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Ready for some hot chocolate, Christmas cookies and fudge!
Three more days!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Thankful - November 14 - 21
Here it goes. I'm writing this post with tears running down my cheeks as I have a sweet little girl sleeping on my shoulder. She is single handedly the thing I am most thankful for in the last week.
November 14 - Placement #2
I got the call at 2pm that they had a baby for me! Placement #2 is a sweet 4 1/2 week old little girl. She came at 5:00 and my world suddenly revolved around this precious bundle of joy in my house. Sleep became scarce, but the love was overwhelming.
November 15 - Friends!
The outpouring of love for #2 has been phenomenal. She was given/lent lots of clothes and we had another friend loan us a carseat. It was amazing to see the love our friends have for us showered upon #2!
November 16 - St Paul's Children's Foundation
#2 had not been to the doctor since she was born. We had to take her in pretty much immediately to be seen. St Paul's takes in Medicaid cases, which most doctors around town will not do. The doctor we saw was phenomenal and we found out that she weighed 11lbs!
November 17 - Insurance
This isn't related to #2, but I found out that my doctor that I love is on my new insurance carrier. I am beyond excited about this.
November 18 - Sleep
Little miss started sleeping some 5 hour stretches at night on Thursday night. This is revolutionary. I am also thankful for my agency's clothing stipend. We are sending off #2 in style. She has tons of clothes to get her started at her new home!
November 19 - Carrie
Today was a day of two birthday parties. One for a sweet little dude who turned one and one for my roommate Elizabeth. It was a big day with #2 getting lots of love from all around. Carrie is another of my dearest friends who I met in 2006 when she married another of my friends Chad. She has been walking through some hard times, but she went with me to run some errands and it was good to just get to sit and talk to her. She is such an encouragement.
November 20 - Elizabeth
Seriously. My roommate is amazing. She has spent the last week taking care of #2 all day while I work. She has shuttle her to appointments, listened to me complain, showed grace under pressure, and has just been amazing. She has boiled nipples to keep #2's thrush from getting worse. She has changed poopy diapers and cleaned up the house for her own party. Her birthday was yesterday and we spent it around the house hanging out with #2. I am so blessed to have her as a roommate.
November 21 - Jesus
Yes it may have taken me awhile to get here, but I am extra grateful for him today. I got the call at 10:30 this morning that #2 is going to live with an aunt. I had a feeling when court was this early, that it would happen. My heart is hurting some, but I can't say I'm surprised, The only thing that makes this bearable is knowing that Jesus loves her more than I do. He has plans for #2 and I have to accept that. So in my mind I keep singing "You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed by your name."
So there you have it. I am beyond grateful for the last week with this baby girl. And today will be hard. My boss is amazing and has let me spend the afternoon at home getting in some last snuggles. And yes there will be tears, but it is so worth it. I know that she has been loved more in the last week than she had experienced in her whole life before coming to our house. I know we have taken care of her well. And she will be added to my list, along with #1, of kiddos I'm praying for.
And I will remember the past but look forward to what is to come.
November 14 - Placement #2
I got the call at 2pm that they had a baby for me! Placement #2 is a sweet 4 1/2 week old little girl. She came at 5:00 and my world suddenly revolved around this precious bundle of joy in my house. Sleep became scarce, but the love was overwhelming.
November 15 - Friends!
The outpouring of love for #2 has been phenomenal. She was given/lent lots of clothes and we had another friend loan us a carseat. It was amazing to see the love our friends have for us showered upon #2!
November 16 - St Paul's Children's Foundation
#2 had not been to the doctor since she was born. We had to take her in pretty much immediately to be seen. St Paul's takes in Medicaid cases, which most doctors around town will not do. The doctor we saw was phenomenal and we found out that she weighed 11lbs!
November 17 - Insurance
This isn't related to #2, but I found out that my doctor that I love is on my new insurance carrier. I am beyond excited about this.
November 18 - Sleep
Little miss started sleeping some 5 hour stretches at night on Thursday night. This is revolutionary. I am also thankful for my agency's clothing stipend. We are sending off #2 in style. She has tons of clothes to get her started at her new home!
November 19 - Carrie
Today was a day of two birthday parties. One for a sweet little dude who turned one and one for my roommate Elizabeth. It was a big day with #2 getting lots of love from all around. Carrie is another of my dearest friends who I met in 2006 when she married another of my friends Chad. She has been walking through some hard times, but she went with me to run some errands and it was good to just get to sit and talk to her. She is such an encouragement.
November 20 - Elizabeth
Seriously. My roommate is amazing. She has spent the last week taking care of #2 all day while I work. She has shuttle her to appointments, listened to me complain, showed grace under pressure, and has just been amazing. She has boiled nipples to keep #2's thrush from getting worse. She has changed poopy diapers and cleaned up the house for her own party. Her birthday was yesterday and we spent it around the house hanging out with #2. I am so blessed to have her as a roommate.
November 21 - Jesus
Yes it may have taken me awhile to get here, but I am extra grateful for him today. I got the call at 10:30 this morning that #2 is going to live with an aunt. I had a feeling when court was this early, that it would happen. My heart is hurting some, but I can't say I'm surprised, The only thing that makes this bearable is knowing that Jesus loves her more than I do. He has plans for #2 and I have to accept that. So in my mind I keep singing "You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed by your name."
So there you have it. I am beyond grateful for the last week with this baby girl. And today will be hard. My boss is amazing and has let me spend the afternoon at home getting in some last snuggles. And yes there will be tears, but it is so worth it. I know that she has been loved more in the last week than she had experienced in her whole life before coming to our house. I know we have taken care of her well. And she will be added to my list, along with #1, of kiddos I'm praying for.
And I will remember the past but look forward to what is to come.
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